im worried ill never be seen again

after i lost my mind, its like i lost my ability to articulate along side it. im better at writing, but im much worse off speaking now. 

im devastated. 

all i want is to connect. i had a hard time in the first place. its worse now. im worse. i know thats not true, but i feel it deep inside my soul. 

friendship seems foreign to me now. its been too long since i was last my full authentic self with another person. 

i cant seem to fake it very well anymore either. theres this pull of resistance inside my chest, and a pressure in my head, when i try to act. its there when i try to be honest too.

im desperate to connect and be seen and heard. im worried i dont have the emotional availability to be a good friend to others though. so i feel i dont deserve it. 

this soul of mine has grown tired. im a miserable, miserable girl. can anyone see this? can anyone see me?