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I've always been in the mindset that embarrassment is vital to change and that you must go through embarrassment to be sparked into being better for yourself, because I think it's the most extreme (safe) version of discomfort.
But....I have been in a sort of shame cycle for 2 months. One where the most extreme, embarrassing things that could happen to a person have been happening to me. Just a constant slew of rejection has been the defining factor of the second half of 2025, and it's gotten to the point where it is not only disheartening but something that I'm afraid is solidifying with me as the norm.
I know it's a symptom of putting yourself out there, and it's better to speak and to be than not, but the sort of feedback I've been getting in regards to my place in the world and what I'm worth has not been regularly positive. My self-perception used to be pretty aligned with the things that I was achieving and doing, but I've fallen into a dysregulation where my sense of self versus the things that I'm able to do and have achieved are completely incongruent.
I know this is just a phase, but I'm feeling it especially hard today.
I just look at all the successful people that I admire and they seem so well-adjusted. They have no urge to get on Space Hey and write up a diary entry about how unsolid they feel. That's not to say that I don't think that they go through their own hardships, but I have this sense that there's a kind of suffering that they go through that is not accessible to me by virtue of my divergent emotional state.
Anyway,
It's snowing in NYC and it's so beautiful and tragic.
hoping for well wishes and please talk to God about me
xoxoxo
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Leo
i like your mindset about discomfort and change, i think it's all about hanging in there and being brave enough to question yourself and your life in a productive manner. like what would make YOU feel better about yourself? how could YOU benefit from breaking away from something you consider a bad habit? i've been making music since i was in high school, and i've been playing piano since i was 4. when i was a teenager i just wanted to be like chief keef, in any way possible. now i don't really make music the same way, at the same rate, or with the same intentions. but man do i love the stuff i make. i make it for myself, and i love when my friends listen to it too but it's for me first and foremost. keep it up and remember to help yourself before anyone else! unless you're like volunteering or something lol