Being Autistic

Something I've thought about a lot within the past few months.

I wasn't diagnosed autistic as a child, my mother thought all my symptoms were normal and she even had a doctor tell her I was "too smart" to be autistic. I never considered it until middle school really.

I've always felt a disconnect with non-autistic or non-"neurodivergent" people my entire life. I always figured I was just weird. I knew I was different, even at a baseline. I would hear about how other people's lives and families were and only assumed I was different because I was in an abusive household.

Looking back, that was only a part of it.

When my mother, younger brother, and I had left her ex-husband I still noticed that there were still things different, even when I was going through therapy and healing from my upbringing. When I was 13-14 I had made a friend who was autistic. After a few months of knowing me he told me that he thought I was autistic too. I told him no, that I most likely just had ADHD like a previous therapist had suggested to me. But then I decided to do some research, months of it, years even, I'm still doing research to this day. It kind of it that, maybe, he had a point. I knew he didn't mean it as an insult, just an observation.

I thought about my behaviors growing up as a child, before I developed any sort of mental illness I have now and really realized that I was autistic.

Since around 2011, one of my favorite things was My Little Pony. To this day, even 14 years later, my love for the series never dwindled. Sure, I would have periods of time where I was more focused on it rather than other interests, but it still never went away. I still collect the toys and figurines now, even going as far to get Twilight Sparkle's cutiemark tattooed on my own flank.

I went through periods of intense focus on different games, shows, or general things. Five Nights at Freddy's being one of those, I got my ass beat for that countless times. We were Baptist Christians, so it was frowned down upon.

Obviously my hyperfixations and special interests weren't the only sign. I would cry and get extremely upset when I was forced to wear clothing with textures I deemed "bad." I still can't wear puffy coats, the noise they make grates my ears. My diet was somewhat constrictive, never being able to eats eggs unless it was exactly how my mom made them, my deep hatred for anything with cheese, a lot of meat too, the thickness bothering me. I've always had intense sensory issues too.

A lot of these were overlooked as misbehavior or just being stubborn, I didn't meltdown because showing emotion like that was frowned down upon and punished. I'm not too expressive with my facial expressions and tones of voice naturally. I force it to make it easier for other people to be around me. I know I'm judged for it because I make it too animated, but I'm also judged for not having any expression.

I was considered very smart as a kid, but as I grew my scores and abilities dwindled, but that was also because I was incredibly depressed and even started to develop Bipolar disorder.

My mother wasn't too on board with it. She thought all of this was fairly normal, she had the same problems and such. I remember her telling me about how she would sit and read the dictionary for fun when she was a kid. She loves anything related to King Arthur and knows so much about vampires.

It took her observing my little brother's behavior and doing her own research to finally conclude that, yes, our family is autistic, My little brother's dad is autistic too, but he doesn't acknowledge it, even when so many other people in his family are too. Even the family on my mom's side are autistic. I suspect my biological father is too, but I don't know him well enough yet to really know, having only met him a few months ago.

I talked to my last therapist about it and she always asked if we had screened me for "Asperger's" yet. I don't like that term, simply just for the name.

So now, today, after my mother and I went to the game stores in our area looking for video games for the consoles I collect (I have so many, I hope to get a PS2 next!!), we're both in our separate areas, playing our own games. She found an FPS on Steam that she said reminded her of Quake. I'm playing Half Life 2. I love any game made by Valve, I was super into TF2 a couple years ago and would consider it one of my favorite games.

I don't think I would have it any other way. Autism comes with it's downsides, considering it is a mental disability, but I'm learning to be happy with myself and with who I am.