QUEER-O TALKS ABOUT HIS LIFE

I dont normally like to talk about my gender, not as much as I used to. I used to proudly announce my queerness when im asked. What now? “whatre your pronouns?” I usually say he/him in fear of being too gay. He/it is what I use online, but I cant bring myself to say it irl. “are you trans?” I used to proudly say, “yep!” but I have come to hate the term. Now its, “are you trans?” “nah, I dont really like labels. Im just a guy.” sometimes thats enough to make me feel fine. But sometimes it hurts knowing that my gender queerness makes me lower than other men, or just humans in general.

Im watching a guys trans journey in a youtube video. When he got his first T-shot I started crying like a faggot. I’m not legally able to seek gender affirming care for another 1 and a half years, but seeing someone reach that milestone knowing he must have had to wait quite awhile too, made me feel overwhelmingly happy.

I am currently dating a cis guy. He doesn’t like to seem gay. I was gonna get a death hawk, but Ive since decided to just keep my hair long. I’ve had gender affirming haircuts before, and I could get one if i wanted, but I don’t fully mind having it long. Though I kinda wanna see if there’s a way to make it frame my face more like a guy. Anyways, my current boyfriend is cis and claims to be straight, though admittedly, for multiple reasons, I wouldn’t call him that. But, it’s his mind. I’m good friends with his siblings, and they often tell me that when they talk to him about me, he doesn’t seem completely against me being trans. He knows I am, but I told him he can call me a she. It hurts hearing him call me his girlfriend, but I am already attached to him. I really love him. Still, I hate being seen as his “girl”, or an accessory to him. He doesn’t make me feel like an accessory, but when I sit with him I feel like everyone is looking at me and seeing “his girl” or an accessory to him. I wanna be equal to him, in both a general sense and a gender sense. He is kinda starting to come around, sometimes when it’s just me, him and his siblings, I feel like I’ve heard him call me “he”, but he still calls me his girlfriend. Though I dunno if I was just hearing things.

I haven’t had a “trans dream” in quite awhile, but last night I had a dream that I got top surgery. In the dream I was walking around with my chest puffed out prouder than ever. I didn’t need to bind, I felt free. I showed my friends and let them all touch my chest just to see the difference. My boyfriend crossed my mind, but I didn’t worry too much because irl he said he wouldn’t mind if I got top surgery as long as I don’t get bottom surgery, which I don’t plan on getting anyways. After I woke up, I silently prayed to Satan hoping I still had a flat chest. Alas, I reached up and squeezed my tit and it was still there. I cried a little. It sucked.

Overall, currently I’m having euphoria because I like to think about myself, and the way I talk and act gives me euphoria. But I am also very upset because of my current situation. But watching that transition timeline video thing made me really hopeful for my future. I’ll give life updates here regularly since it’s the only place I ever plan to talk about my life anymore. Thanks for reading if you did. If anyone has tips or kind words, they would be very appreciated.