mmm

        Im seeing like a billion people this week, im super excited to see some people i havent gotten together with since summer. Its really weird seeing someone all the time then they just become someone you send funny videos to and have to wait half a year to see them for an hour over lunch. I often think about friendships, especially last year in the last leg of senior year, being so viscerally aware that i would never see some of these people again. It honestly felt more sad then than it does now, which is weird. Kind of weird to think, for those people we will never see again, each moment and the next are the ones where we remember them the most, like youll never remember more of them than now if that makes sense, youll just forget them more. Idk why im talking about this i dont even miss people its just weird to think about. Same with professors this year, just made me think about how some people just enter and leave your life without much ado and then thats it. Another thing that i think about sometimes is like, there will be a last time you do everything. And that sounds stupid and obvious, but like, how many times will I drink apple juice before i die? How many times will i check my monthly recieptify for spotify? Get an oil change? Walk across a manhole cover? Eat sushi? Sometimes I want to see the live counter for this type of thing, like an omniscient accountant with his finger on the pulse of the ends of things, writing in his infinitely subjective list of things that we define as significant experiences. 

        i think this kinda ties into the human urge to document our lives, and leave an impact or "legacy" or some sort of record that we existed behind after they die. but what is it ultimately about? preserving a memory? a status? your values? some sort of positive impact through your actions when alive? its difficult to think about this and not be kind of existentially nihilistic in a way. for the sake of asking simple questions and getting simple answers: why do people need to supercede their physical bodies' time on this earth? no matter the answer, unless the action of attaining that post-mortem status or lack thereof actually changes your life materially, it just doesn't matter from a self-preservation point of view. why should you GAF? you're dead! but people do care, and they care quite a bit. but logically they shouldn't, right? if you're not around to feel the good things, feel the bad things then who gives a shit? its of course a nice idea to be remembered well, but for all you know the universe collapses the second your heart ceases to pump blood to the part of your brain that perceives the universe. who cares if your evil wife Shelly exposes you for the nose picker you are at your funeral? you'll never have to be around to bear the embarrassment. idk. whatever.

        its just weird how people and memories and stuff come and go, and most of the time with little fanfare. you always think, "oh, in the last week of classes ill finally talk to the 3 people I've sat with all year" and then the last day comes and it feels as if time has come at you, running an alarming rate while doing so.

       I think the thing holding us together as a species is our ability to make art, to live in the abstract and to dream things that don't just involve the bare necessities of survival. 

      ok this actually worked I'm super tired now. Grammarly has this post written up like a Christmas tree. whatever. never typing ever again.

love yourself, fellow spacehey user! <3 merry Christmas!!