Late night thoughts (too many)

Sometimes I lay in bed at 2 am and stare at the ceiling for what feels like eternity, thinking about all the things in this world, just like right now in this moment. The street lights dance on my walls, I like observing how they move when a car passes by, reminds me of when I was a child. My mind drifts from one thought to another, I stare at my hands in the dim lightning, tryna trace the outline. It becomes hard to tell what’s real and what’s not. My earphones die again, unfortunately, so I am forced to come back to reality and listen to my thoughts instead. It’s a strange place and a strange time. Everyone is asleep, and I should be too. But something prevents me from sleeping. I listen to quiet noises coming from the other side of my wall, someone’s soft footsteps, my restless neighbours. And then there’s also a hum of my fridge, or a grumble in my tummy. I listen until all sounds blur into one, and now I hear nothing. In this half asleep half awake state I remain for quite some time. I don’t really want to sleep. I feel like the whole world is dreaming and I’m the only person awake, time feels strange in those moments. When I try to close my eyes images flash by, triggering memories which then trigger emotions. I remember all the times my mom tried making me sleep by telling me stories she would make up on the go. It would always annoy me how she’d fall asleep before finishing telling me what happened. Her grip on my hand loosened as she drifted away to sleep. And I was left all alone again. No distractions, no nothing, just me, myself and I. It’s scary, after a long time of running away from myself, pretending to be busy and turning up the volume on my phone to prevent all chances of a single thought occurring to finally be confronted with all that’s been building up. And it feels heavy and lonely at times too. But all I can do is sit through it. Or write, which also helps a great deal. And those thoughts flow and flow, until they don’t make sense anymore. At least I bought a pretty hairclip today.