i cant do art anymore

I used to love art a lot, I used to have these tiny stories, images, characters in my head and I wanted to put them on paper and so I drew all the time to be good enough to do that. When I drew I didn't think, I only focused on my art. It was a time where my mind was empty and focused and nothing else mattered. I used to doodle on my notes in class, I used to draw wherever, whenever. But now it's just too hard. Maybe it started with my dad telling me to decide what I wanted to be by 12. Of course I chose artist since it was the only thing I liked and then after I had to be serious about it. Maybe because I started looking at other people's work and started comparing myself. But after some point, art wasn't a place of peace and focus, it became something serious, something to dread.

I wanted to be good, I had to be good. I wanted to get into illustration or animation for postsecondary. It's competitive. I had to be good. I have to be good. But it was all too stressful and drawing was just a reminder that I wasn't good enough. I'm not good enough. So I stalled and procrastinated.

Now I have to make a portfolio for post secondary to be accepted. I have been building up to this for five years of my life, and I only perhaps spent not even half of that time on actually drawing. I was too scared, still am. And now that I'm in grade 12 there are so many roadblocks. I have to do schoolwork on time because I need good marks to be accepted, so that my parents wont get upset at me. I have to give my time to my parents, my teachers, my friends over art because how would they react? And I am too sleep deprived that even when I have time to myself, I just want to sleep. And art is too stressful for me now anyway, it's hard to even pick up a pencil.  My parents tell me to prioritize my art, but its impossible without disrespecting someone, either others or myself.

My mom wanted me to help her clean the basement today (even tho she was supposed to do it yesterday), I said I wanted to draw but then she was like "okay then, you have until 3pm." And it was 1:30. I hadn't even changed or eaten yet. One hour or less to draw isn't enough, so I told her I'd just help her and not draw and she got upset. Like what do you want me to do? You want me to help you, and I won't draw for only an hour when I have to do a real life drawing and the lighting will change too much from 2-3pm to whenever the hell I finish the basement at night. But she doesn't get that, so maybe I can't be too upset.

I thought maybe the winter break I could draw more, but its already, what? the second day? And it's just proved to me that-- no. I can't draw. All the events and parties I have to prep for and be at since we're hosting most of them, the schoolwork given to me over my damn break, and after I have my fpts and exams to prep for so I wont have time to do my art. I have no time and now no motivation. Not for something I'm not good enough at, not something I don't even feel happy to do anymore.

The only thing keeping me going is that it was #1 my childhood dream, do I really want stres to ruin it for me? And #2 my parents paid to apply to two extra schools because of this, they paid to go to art class for years. Do I want to waste their money? Idk what to do anymore.

But I'm tired..So tired. Tired of this constant pressure over my shoulders that I try to ignore. It's crushing me and I can't do it anymore. I'm not even in art school and I feel this stressed, how the hell am I gonna survive? I just wish I didn't have to do anything so I could have no more pressure. I wish I had all the time in the world but I don't. I wish it could all just end.

I used to love art so much too :/