if i (had/lost) you

if i (had/lost) you

i have eaten far too many reese’s peanut butter cups today

for i am but a chocolate shell of my former self

—do you still hear me?

in the windy cold out there

i used to send you messages on the breeze,

you know

  i used to say

    i’d

      marry

my internal desire to be known, loved,

wanted

you, an angel

your plush wings wrap tightly around

my hard brown crust—

crush me, integrous wrapper!

expose my soft insides—

(you are allergic)

i miss you,

you know

i whisper into my morning coffee,

made with dishwater and

ammonia

i take on the day as before,

dreamingly

for i never understood the barrier between

dream and

nightmare and

the world