Hate/love/ex

I haven't written in english (for fun, not because I have to) in a while. I think back to when I'd speak english always, even when I didn't have to. Not a good habit. Then I think back to who it was with. For years I could've sworn that after a friendship breakup of years the best and safest option is to damn them to hell and hate them for all eternity. Granted, it did make it easier for a while. It still can. I was sort of left in the dark, put in time-out where I mull over everything I could've possibly did wrong. It's weird the way people go about tough moments in life. I always thought it would make both parties feel safer to communicate if I made it clear I'm open to hearing criticism or that I want to be told what I did wrong. Maybe it came off too aggressive or harsh, instead of "Hey, what's wrong? You can tell me", perhaps it sounded like "Tell me everything right away or you're dead!". The sad thing is that nobody told me when the time-out is over and when I can leave the corner, but I think I'm fine by abiding by my own rules. Nobody told me what happened, what I did, and I resented them for it. I was angry, hurt. I took that as the opportunity to just flat out hate them for it. Especially since at the time they weren't friends with each other, but after they both dumped me in the dark, they suddenly became best friends again. Okay, it's a bit more complicated than that, but the main point stays. I'd say I feel a lot, I think that's one of my worst yet best qualities. It sucked to put everything I had into the friendships, devote so much time and energy towards them and then have it all disintegrate to dust in front of my eyes. (Not implying they didn't put any effort). It's okay, life moved in, years passed. I have amazing friends right now, I love and adore them with every muscle in my body and every time my heart beats it passes around the adoration in my system. They indirectly helped me realise I don't need to stay mad. My ex got mad/frustrated with me when I'd be down about the friendships that ended. He told me to just be mad at them, so I did. Mostly to get him to not lecture me about how I should, shouldn't feel, how my feelings are basically pointless. But I'm free now, and I have so much love to give. I believe we as a human species are the most selfish yet loving species ever. It's not always easy to keep hope in your heart, but I think I manage. I learned to love my ex-friends regardless of all the hardship. I keep a part of them stowed away in my mannerisms, expressionis, the lingering pitch of their laughs in mine. I love them like a bass player loves the calluses on their fingertips. Anyway, the point of this was to dump some sort of weird, teenage emotions somewhere equal parts public, equal parts private. I don't believe I'll ever talk to any one of them again, but I hope they know I still keep a heart shaped middle finger pointed towards them.