back then

Suddenly remembered of "dead girl in the pool" by girl in red, and it reminded me of something. Back then.

When I was 13, that is when I started to question my sexuality. I thought that I was bi, and then I settled with lesbian. I listened to girl in red and a few lesbian artists, and listening to this song again made me feel that fuzzy, happy feeling in my chest like I felt back then.

I felt so happy and confident and pretty at that time. It was the time that I took the most selfies and videos of myself, when I did my makeup and I dyed my hair all the time. I was loved and I loved everyone else.

But I also have to remind myself that I was very mentally ill at that time. Since I was going through puberty and experiencing PMDD for the first few times in my life, I was so, so angry and uncomfortable with all of that anger and discomfort.

It's so weird to think about, I am crying as I am currently writing this. It's like I don't even know who I am anymore. I don't. At 15, I chopped all of my hair and convinced myself I was a trans boy. Went by a boyish name and was masculine presenting. But I never took pictures or videos of myself during this time, and I didn't have friends that stuck around. It's like... everyone knew that I didn't know what I was doing.

I just wanted to be happy, and thought that was my identity. But now, I don't know who I am, and I am not happy with myself. I don't feel comfortable taking selfies or videos of myself. I haven't had any friends except like, two, since I was 16 years old and I am almost 20 now.

But, I have a weird feeling that if I go back to how I was when I was 13, I still wouldn't be happy. I don't know why I feel that way. I wonder if I will just have to live with this feeling, and just continue going.

I just feel like not knowing who I am is the reason why I can't get friends or why I can't date. I don't know.