My life sucks balls

TW for dr*inking, s*lf h*rm, sm*king, su*cide and maybe more

Because I have BPD (borderline personality disorder) I feel things way deeper than most people. It fcking sucks. I have so much empathy for people and so much jealousy. I don’t feel human. Recently I don’t know what I’m feeling. I feel the most alive when I’m h*gh or dr*nk or even c*tting myself. Last night I stole some of my mom’s wine and  felt crazy. Like I can only feel when I’m in pain or doing smt. And I have so many outlets to get better, but idk if I even want to. Falling into my old ways sounds so much more appealing than getting better. Trying to better myself is so much work and so mentally straining. And maybe if I sm*ke/c*t enough I’ll feel real again. And last night, I just wanted my mom. Like I was sobbing and saying “I miss my ima” (there’s Hebrew word for mom). Idk I’m js going through a lot and I needed to get it down.