you cant have your cake and eat it too

why do you use this website?

no, i'm actually asking. tell me in the comments. why do you use this website? is it for nostalgia? trying to live in a world you're too young to have experienced first hand? digital minimalism? just because it's cool? what's the reason?

the reason i came to spacehey was two reasons: digital minimalism and nostalgia. i grew up with an ipod touch in my hands, watching youtube and making a facebook account, by accident mind you, at five years old. i was born right when what the modern internet was getting started.

at first, it was cool. how could it not be? flash games, funny youtube videos made in WMM, all that. but then one day, it kinda just went away. the internet went from a wild and wacky place with tons of websites to find and explore to primarily social media platforms that are owned by either facebook or google, and then social media became just TV. mindless content being pushed in my face forever by algorithms. endless noise. it's gotten so bad that some people refer to their social media feeds as 'algorithms'.

and i hated it. i hated what the internet became. i hated what it did to me and to other people my age, and what it's doing or will do to the people younger than me and their children. the internet went from a communication tool to a chimaera abomination filled with chatbots and stupid video clips. it's not about connecting with other people anymore, it's about making money and "grinding", and followers, and views, and all that gibberish nonsense. so when i heard about spacehey, a nostalgia-driven independent social media platform with no advertisements, i immediately made an account. i don't really remember how i heard about it, but nonetheless here i am screaming my gospel.

but it didn't cure my relationship with the internet. i told some of my friends about it and they made accounts, which as far as i know, they don't really use, effectively making my efforts to use this website the way it was intended moot. then i started to not use it as often, occasionally checking in to see if i had any notifications, occasionally making a blog or scrolling through other people's blogs, then i would go watch youtube for several hours until i felt like either sleeping or doing something else. which, granted, is the point of this website. it's exactly what i wanted: noiseless. and it is, but without the social aspect of it, then why would i continue to keep coming back other than to fill the digital void with some text that i apparently wrote.

today, my relationship with the internet is shaky at best. i've gone nearly cold-turkey on youtube, which i then supplemented by using facebook. i then deleted all the social media apps off my phone and downloaded a minimalist launcher in an attempt to make my phone into a "dumb-phone". which mostly worked except iphones don't let you delete the web browser, making it just as easy to access social media and addictive platforms as if i had never deleted any apps in the first place. as i'm writing this, i have two youtube tabs open with videos cued that i plan on watching, which i will then go to the feed on the right side of the screen and continue to watch more. as well as this, i have five other tabs open with information that i intend to read, but will probably never bother to look at.

the internet, as it is today, is inherently addictive and serves no purpose other than to make money for the corporations who happen to rely on it. it didn't used to be like this, but now it is. and that's why i find it perplexing that when people suggest switching to minimalist devices in order to cure themselves of the vicious disease known as the internet, they never mention the simplest thing you could possibly do: just don't use it. i'm not addicted to cigarettes because i made it a goal to never smoke a cigarette, i just don't smoke cigarettes.

you want to stop being addicted to this? you want to be rid of this cancerous tumor? download an app blocker and block your web browser, and delete all social media apps on your phone. only use them on your home computer(s), and if that's still too much, then download a website blocker and block the websites you feel are the most harmful. make the internet that you want to use. you are not forced to use it this way.

it's easy to say "well, i don't have to do that because i have discipline and have enough willpower to stop myself". and perhaps you do, and if you do then congratulations (seriously). but most people don't. most people, myself included, say they can do that, and then fall back into their habits only a week later, which is what happened to me and youtube. discipline is for losers. the person who makes real, honest changes in their life does not stare at their addiction square in the eye and screams about how disciplined they are and how they can resist it. they distract themselves from their addictions and lay the foundations for new, healthier habits to replace those addictions, or in my case, completely cutting off access to those addictions in the first place (which in my experience is the easiest and most effective way).

of course it's ridiculous to think that you can live in the modern world without the internet at all. there have been a few moments where i needed to google something (i dunno, finding the name of an actor during dinner conversation that nobody can remember), and couldn't because i had safari blocked. it may even come off as snobbish or prissy to some people if you refuse to use a web browser or go on [social media app] for any number of reasons. the internet is supposed to be useful and it absolutely is. but the way it's been designed and how it affects our brains is where the problem lies. some app blockers allow you to also block specific websites and i've found that to be a great way to curb my addictions.

since i started my journey to distance myself from my phone and the internet at large, i found myself getting bored. like, really bored. it was a feeling that i hadn't felt for years, being genuinely bored like that. i would still impulsively pull out my phone and search for something to kill the time, but my phone became so boring that nothing was even remotely appealing. even watching youtube videos became more and more boring the more time i spent doing it. i started to spend more time, in whatever environment i was in, observing. i would look at the people walking past and notice how their faces and body's were shaped and what kind of life they lived to become that way, and what kind of person they are. i would look at whatever buildings surrounded me or the building i was in, noticing the architecture, advertisements, and other funny little quirks about where i happened to be. i would try to come up with stories in my head about anything, or reminiscence on memories long ago, or remember memories that i had forgotten. or, sometimes, i would wallow in my boredom and sit in my chair, huffing and puffing, counting the seconds on my watch.

and that's okay. being bored is okay. because, if nothing else, i wasn't wasting those precious seconds of my life staring at my phone screen.

sometimes in these moments i would look over to the people near me, and many of them would be looking at their phones. usually it's a rare treat to see someone who isn't on their phone, especially if it's a child. i remember one time i was at six flags great america (it's a theme park, if you're unfamiliar), surrounded by rollercoasters, rides, games, everything that a theme park would have. and right in front of my was a young couple, maybe early thirties, with a very small child, no older than six, sitting on the tarmac staring at an ipad lifted right in front of his face. they started walking away and the child followed them, not taking his eyes off the screen for even a second to see where he was going. i genuinely felt pity for that child.