ED's Never Truly Go Away

I'm going to be talking about a long battle I've had with anorexia so if that isn't something you want to read about I'll see u next blog :3 

When I was in middle school, I had like a really bad ED for almost 2 years. It got so bad I literally looked like a skeleton looking back and I was just so mentally taken over by Ana. My parents sent me to the hospital where I  was diagnosed and would then have to visit like 3 times a week and it was just a long process of getting better. I never actually got better. I just lied a lot like a lottt and they discharged me. I was around 52kg when I was discharged and I honestly felt so so big. That was the biggest I've ever been. When I told them that I genuinely feel so full and big for myself they just didn't listen to me and were like "okay yeah sure thats ur ED talking". Now I'm in my first year of uni and I weight between like 46-49kg it just jumps around depending on what I wear or what time of day I weigh myself. This is me with a normal diet of eating generally healthy food and just eating whenever I'm hungry. I don't work out much, maybe sometimes but yeah.

In my last blog, I go into detail about my parents and the toxic household and mentality I've been raised in. What I've noticed is that in times where I feel that I've lost all control and that I genuinely can't do anything in my situation to save myself, I turn back to my ED. My ED is my control. It's all I have control over. When I'm hungry, when I'm light, I feel most like myself. It's almost nostalgic. I read somewhere that apart from the goal of wanting to look a certain way another common reason people can develop ED's is a disconnection from their mother. Or something like that I don't remember so well. But I thought wow that's so true. It's almost like food brings us together as a family, and when I feel like she has taken it all away from me again, My Ana mindset comes back as if she's never left. 

Another thing I'll do is I would eat normally or even more than I should for a while like maybe a couple months and then for the next couple months something will switch in my brain and I'll go full ED again. Like the throwing up, the calorie counting, all of it at max stats. The other day my friend said this one guy from highschool, he was visiting our uni cuz his other friends go here (I think I've spoke to this guy once in all of highschool), he was talking to her and I got brought up. "You know what I've been thinking about recently? Mina's like sickly skinny like I'm concerned" This was such an odd thing to bring up because I've been eating normally for a while now, it's honestly just my natural frame I think. Ew that sounds so pick-me but I haven't been on any like "diet" or starvation mode. And I thought it was weird coming from him especially because his girlfriend is really thin too. And I told my friend that but she said that she honestly thinks I'm skinnier than her, I'm a little taller but I'm also thinner. And I was just like wow do I not even know what I look like? But the worst part is that it kind of made me really happy to hear that someone thought I was "sickly" skinny especially to hear someone is "concerned for me". It's classic Ana motivator, you love hearing youre scary thin. I feel like shes coming back and it's jsut such an endless cycle that I'll never escape. I love being thin I really really do.

Also I don't think I look sickly skinny at all I think he's just exaggerating I don't really know what prompted that but something in my head is like (well maybe we should get to that level so everyone else can see that too, let's prove that we really CAN look like that because if someone who thinks you already are too thin sees you at the wrong angle and sees you're actually slacking and fat, they won't think ur sickly skinny anymore)

Such a weird mentality to have I know, it's been coming and going for so long and I honestly blame the lack of safety and love I felt growing up at home (I went into more detail in my last blog) for feeling like this about myself. The other thing is that I'm very confident in myself and I have good friends I can talk to. I never hated myself, only the situation I was forced to live in. I think this also relates to the fact that my ED is more about control, the only source of control I have in my life rather than looks (I still really like being as thin as I can but also I don't think this is nearly as big of a factor as the need for control in my own life, maybe more when I was in 7th grade but not as strong now). 

If you also struggle with any sort of ED, just know that you're stronger than that little voice and once you're in a good, happy place in your life, she can't do any harm. Please try to get better mentally and get rid of anything in your life that doesn't benefit you and only drags you down. It's almost impossible for an ED to take over your life if you step that foot down and take control over what makes you happy and what you do with your life. Your health and happiness matters more than anything. I hope I worded everything well and that my message was understood. You're not alone