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Well, i love talkin like i got a following or somethin and truth is i don't but it's cool 2 pretend like i'm wanted/i belong here, without being dramatic or anything...
Well i noticed my last public blog entry was 8 months ago
And honestly some things have changed a bit since, some of it stills holds up a little about my current status... But i'd rather write a full thing 2 upd8 those of y'all that might've tagged along with me... Or anyone honestly... Idrk tbh...
I guess i'd say it's also partly as a lil update 4 my own self on my current status reguarding this site :/ Kinda like a vent or something, idrk...
For those who notice i slowed down, well more like, almost dropped dead on my activity here and little summary, i used to post LOTS of blogs and interact with peoples and hop on this site almost daily if not, I used to be REALLY dedicated to this site and pimping up my profile almost weekly, i used to have made quite a few friends... Tbh... Most of em i'm not friends with anymore...
Meh i always sucked at socializing here tbh =_=
Anyway...
I madethis account on my last year of highschool, around fall/winter season 2022 (unfortunately i don't remember the exact date U_U) and ever since i got hooked by this website, my reasons for being here where to be able to have a full "early 2000s to 2010s" experience, as i identified with this era a lot (which i still do), and for like 2 years spiked my activity and intrest on this site and i stated growing different passions and growing with it but i won't beat around the bush, ever since, my life kinda kicked me in the nuts hard tbh so i'm ngl as of right now i'm not doing great, i'm doing pretty bad and it's been kind of a while like that despite some changes, hell i haven't even really touched this profile in a long time other that to edit my age and "DNI" thingy as time passed and fix bugs.
Now i have made many vent blogs kind of in this style in the past, as of now most has been kept private as i did some better filtering with what i wanted to share or not, however it's no news for most peoples to guess anymore that i have been struggling with mental issues n i could say paragraphs about how my life is kind of a mess and tbh it's kinda always been one but i'm not really here for that.
But ever since around i made my SpaceHey i felt like i locked in and started to develop myself more into something i really am and want to be n this site has helped me with that, however, in the blog mentioned above there's a part that goes "i'm more of a shell of who i really am but it's 4 a reason, i'm trying 2 build up what could b the best years of my life hopefully..." which is still the case except for one thing, i'm not really trying anymore really, i'm just riding the wave and seeing where that gets me for now, i don't hold much control over my life anyway and so honeslty going back to where i started with this blog, i could say anything about those years being good, but they honestly just where a different taste of my messy life as there where still things going on.
And it's part of why i'm making this blog which i didn't plan at all, I just decided to spew my heart out 4 a sec, as i also feel as the peoples currently in my friends list, or previously or l8er on deserve to know that honestly i've been a real piece of shit on this site the last years (before this current one)... I won't really dive into it because it's a mess, one i'd rather not get into, not rn at least cuz i really don't have the sanity for it but for short i used to be an insecure lil prick that also used to be influenced by some bad influences around, although i don't say this to stray from accountability there, i shared some harmful opinions, i used to be borderline queerphobic, i used to share offensive humour and ive gotten into relationships from this site where i was problematic which all could've been handled better for my sake (not just for mine but i digress... I was MOSTLY to blame for all of it), all of that with my mental issues not helping, again i won't really dive into it as it's been a while, i've kinda moved on, i don't wanna stir the pot n i don't think those problems even needed to b addressed online in the first place n could've been handled privately 4 the best however i believe it was best not to throw that under the rug which i kind of feel bad about, since all this context matters as to what's been going on so far, again, i won't really discuss it anymore afterwards as this blog isn't really about that but i do think i might discuss those things more clearly if needed eventually in the future...
After, this wasn't all, while yes my fuck ups catched up to me, i was also generally sharing an unhealthy relationship with this site, i used to grow too much attachement at times and while this site defenitely did me lots of good in life it was unhealthy 2 cope with it, there where also lots of other more personal issues going on at the time which i'd rather not discuss online, anyway as of summer 2024 i started digging and searching for the truth and context in most of the issues i had, some being with the people on this site others being more personal, with lots of retrospective throughout this year, for the better i guess?
And so i decided to put aside my activity on this site to avoid some of the harm i was dealing, dealt, as i was dealt some, and to really focus on myself, finding a job and looking to really understand what i was doing and where i stood in all this, as despite there was lots of good in my life during those years that i often descibe as my "Spacehey peak" i believe there where lots of stalling with my projects and lots of harm i was doing and dealing with that i was throwing under the rug because i was tired of having problems and having 2 figure things 4 myself until now i have stepped out of any relationships and relationship goals, Spacehey and other things that where going on at the time n things got real fast, i started to stray a bit from certain dreams and goals to focus on my mental well being which overall has kind of been going in vein but what i'd rather say is that at least i have matured and there's probably more road 4 me until i'm certain of it but so far i managed to make sense of my past n certain wounds n things that where hurting me, i developped healthier ways to cope that wouldn't impact others, i have stopped spreading hate towards queer peoples and "woke peoples" like i used to say due to my insecurities and reflecting the hate i have myself dealt with because of my own differences.
Now while i might've matured a bit and found healthier coping mechanisms, i'm still not mentally stable and struggle to cope with my issues...
i've honestly as of right now just randomly made this entry 4 venting purposes n 2 update anyone including me on my online status on SpaceHey, so this doesn't mean any significant change is coming for now, after this blog i'll get back to doing whatevs i'm doing and keeping myself distant from this site HOWEVER this isn't 4ever gonna the case, i mean sooner or l8ter i think i'm gonna have to do a decision instead of leave things hanging, i really dont wanna just vanish, i don't really think about this site often at all anymore tbh more or so as a past thing and sometimes that maybe i'll come back to this site and update my profile and kept discovering more things and peoples on this site and be more involved like i used to be, tbh i don't really yearn 2 b much active anymore as i've kinda accepted that i'll be on a hiatus for now so i'm not even really making this blog because i don't like how leaving things hanging feels, it used to b tho, however again i can't say this hiatus status rn is permanent so i'm left with two optionz :
Option 1 : I leave SpaceHey...
This one is very likely but tbh i can't even really say for sure what's it gonna 4 me...
I honestly don't have really a following here, i did inspired a few ppls with their layouts as i've been told but i never really had a following and either way that was never really my intention, all i've ever wanted was for a small social circle but with garanteed deep bonds for memories, hell mostly platonical, i wasn't even really intrested in dating from this site until later but if there's something that i am gonna miss n hell i still kinda miss, it's the cozy small following i got of peoples that vibed with me, that mostly didn't always chatted with me but would interact from time 2 time, that circle unfortunately was constantly changing but i do miss trying and the feeling of finding somewhere i belong, Now i've been considering this option a lot because honestly coming back after the hurt i've done here is kind of difficult but also morally questionable for me, let alone that, where i am in life now is different from when i started this. With it's ups n downs... Things have changed and i'm no longer a "baby bat" emo highschooler reviving the 2000s and discovering myself, so would i b able 2 b that again? well not intirely since i'm 20 but even, the real question is should i be that again? n tbh i don't fully think so, now part of me's still stuck in there telling myself "the best years of my life and my youth are still to b made" but that's something i'll get back to... Again i don't think that even if i am able to revive that part of myself it's what's best, peoples move on and ppls NEED 2 do so... It's important 4 my growth as a person, not 2 b stuck in the past i could've lived or wanna change but 2 accept it and thrive above it all, hell i'd be fuckin doomed 2 repeat the same shit i did n if there's something i learned 2 accept it's that i just can't change the past, my troubled teenagehood isn't something i can fix... Hell, in a way, to heal it would b 2 make my future brighter by helping peoples that have gone through same issues n inspire peoples not 2 do the bad things i did, So nostalgia is cool and wanting to change the past is as well but i shouldn't let both mess the only thing i have left which is my future... So again i don't really think i can relive an highschool experience discovering music and self expression for the first time, however again rn i don't really know where i'm headed and there's still a lot in front of me as i'm still young, n i'm not fully done discovering myself, anyway there's still more bands and more about alternative culture for me to discover, for example, so maybe the best years of life where not those troubled years but r yet to come 4 me...
There's still a part of me stuck in highschool mostly because there's something left there 4 me to fix, and that nerdy, wierd kid, alternative, chronically online flame inside of me's still there so it's likely 2 stay for me to push myself at my best n b the best of me because so far, this wasn't...
which leads me to...
Option 2 : I come back!
It's not unlikely tbh like i've said as of right i don't even know where to go with my life that is if i even get a hold of it, i'm stol young so there's a whole lot of developement i need 2 do, and there's lot's of things left hanging, lots of goals never done and most importantly lots of good memories to make, If i do come back to my past online activity here (minus the problematic part) then it would likely mean that i've "fixed" myself, that i overcome my overwhelming insecurities, my messed up teenagehood, grew as a person above my wrongs and that i broke the restrictions in life that held me from full self expression n from fully being me and doing what i love.
Or that i found somekind of "compromise" in life and overcome what i could and arranged a certain amount of stability where i've decided to come back, maybe not 2 b what i fully wanna b but as close as i could b, either way it'll mean that things got better to some degree...
Now if i do come back i'll make a blog about it which i already thought about which it's likely i'll address my past toxic behaviour as i honestly hate the thought just "shoving things under the carpet" or "getting away" with what i did n that i should b honest about the wrongs and address them afterwards, this idea alone is debatable so what i'm gonna address n not is ambiguous 2 me for now as i believe i still managed to fix what i could've n should've, that is if i do address those past issues though honestly i've been told by most that it's best 2 just beat it n leave those things the way they r now, so yeah :T I'll put a pin on it until i've made my mind on what's right 2 do.
Anyway...
First if i do leave i'll make sure to leave a little goodbye blog, in it again i'll try to discuss more clearly what's needed, however i won't leave without a proper goodbye.
This site has meant a lot n i don't thing i'll say it enough but throughout the ups n downs, i always loved tf out of this website and will 4ever cherish a special place in my heart 4 it, that being said i'm sorry if that turned out into a VERY personal blog, although i spent hours making it and editing it a bit, i didn't really had any thoughts or plans on making anything like this, i guess i just did it the second i thought of it and it felt right, still this entry also serves to check up on this site, while i have now n then commented, accepted some ppls in my friend list, i haven't been super active here like i used to be so i wanna know how things are, maybe if there's still something left for me on this site, idk but yeah i'm still alive guys!
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