im 20 and still feel like a child (21)

12/19/25

i dont usually use my blog for this, mostly for just entry crap but whatever idk if this even counts then. i just wanted to make this more so for myself because of something my mom said to me not that long ago. she said that i still had the mindset of a child, and not that the comment bothered me, but it just had me thinking.

there is no real set on what adulthood actually is. like, you turn 18 and all of a sudden people on the internet can see you naked. what sense does that even make...??? but thats besides the point. a little bit ago i managed to land myself a pretty cool job, and i enjoy it. my anxiety just wants me to not show up just because I dont want to do the work, even though i really enjoy it. 

it just sucks and makes me feel really stupid sometimes when it comes to other things, unrelated to work. i have bad dental anxiety and i have my dad call appointments for me. i get embarrassed when things are done for me but i was never taught to do them. i have independence yet im not independent somehow? like, i dont know how to explain it. i just feel lost and overwhelmed i think with college and trying to balance everything, and thinking where i will be after all of it is over. 

im terrified of debt, and taxes and being in a position where i will not be stable even though i am. i feel so unprepared for everything yet i dont ask questions to the answers because i dont know what to even begin to start or ask about. the transition has been brutal, and im struggling, i think.

i feel as if everything has been handed to me and i cant cope with what to do about it. i still feel the need to tell my parents things when i dont have to because i feel if i dont tell them ill be in trouble. its embarrassing to even admit that, but it was something i had only realized i did. it was a habit i never realized because i am afraid of the repercussion more than the initial action of me doing something.

its been a lot for me to realize one day im going to move out, have a job and probably live alone. i understand how people get so depressed so easily when living alone. the thought of leaving my family seems like a dream but also a nightmare because i know i will struggle to help myself somehow because of my mental health.

its just a lot.