Childhood Innocence, children see the world as it should be seen.

I was getting ready for my 18th birthday, my parents weren't home so I took my 1 year old sister in my room as I got dressed. I had on a short black sequins dress. She's very expressive and uses the limited vocabulary she knows as well as a bunch of made up words. The sweetest little girl. I put on the dress and she gasps and laughs saying "pitty!! nice!!" I honestly don't think I'll be able to forget how happy she was when she saw me. 

My dad comes home maybe 10 minutes later. I go to say hi and the first thing he does is look at me not even smiling saying how my dress is too short "what am I doing?" He barely talked to me after that until I change into a t-shirt and sweats at the end of the night. I was raised in a religious family like toxic religious. Raising your girls as property, in a role not as individuals, ready to be given away for marriage one day. I live in Canada but the culture back home requires the newly wed couple to lay a sheet so they can parade at the hymen ripping the next morning. If she hasn't bled, they send her back to her family and her family doesn't want her anymore either since shes a "whore."

Not once in my life have I dressed for a man. Not once. I don't like the attention and I know how easy it is to achieve. It's worthless to me. Validation from men means absolutely nothing to me. Being raised in this purity culture where men are seen as these controllers of women, I believe it made me unattracted to men. They constantly talk about once I graduate from university, I'll be perfect for getting married. They pushed this thought in my head since I was a very young girl and shamed me for so much innocent stuff that I would do because I was acting like I was looking for a husband or something. They want me home at like 7pm during the summer when I'm literally legally an adult now. The thing is that I could rebel and tire them out but the problem with that is that if I do too much I genuinely think they'll just get me married back home. I don't have money or a job at all for that matter to support myself right now. I plan to leave eventually because there's just so so much I can't get into right now that makes it so tiring living here. 

My baby sister's reaction to me was like she has seen the most beautiful person in the world. Her innocence honestly made me tear up. Especially when my dad talked down to me later that day. To not even be able to talk to your daughter (or talking to her rudely and barely looking at her) is so disgusting it makes it look like you can't control yourself and that you see me as some hooker with no worth. How can you look at your own daughter that way? Every single day in this family I am reminded that I am just a walking vagina to them. It's so draining and I can't wait to leave one day. 

I remember being a little girl and whenever I saw a woman wearing something more revealing not once did I think anything except for that's just how she looks. My parents pushed that dressing that way is sexual and wrong and obviously for men so young that obviously being young and thinking my parents are right about everything, I thought of those women that way too. I'm obviously more educated now and my beliefs are the complete opposite of my parents. I don't understand why my mom likes being brainwashed like this. She said her family wasn't even that religious and she only married my dad because she wanted to learn more about God and get her children to be religious people who worship God. Okay good for her I guess but they honestly don't consider us real people with our own opinions and goals for life. She thinks that just because she got married at 21 that we are going to get married straight out of university. I'm sorry but I have different passions in life. That is not something I should be sorry for. Also, not being allowed to date, who do you expect me to marry? They want me to be with someone from back home that's what it is. It's honestly sick that they expect this of us. 

I have so much more to say that I keep remembering and wanting to add on but I think I want to sit down and write a really lengthy autobiography of my childhood. I don't know what I will do with it, I might make a video of it and have it as a script I'm not sure yet. I'm not known on any socials anywhere to have my story be relevant but I genuinely don't know other people with parents like mine, especially white parents who are as extreme as my parents. I've only related to brown people, and I was always jealous of white people growing up because I didn't understand why my parents wanted to be different from them. I wanted to be white too. Why do they oppress themselves? I know in the future I will have to cut them off one day, even if it is temporary but I know it is inevitable but I need to save money and finish my degree first.

Back to the start of this blog, you can't tell me that dressing up as a woman is a sin. That my showing my legs is a sin because there are men out there that cant control themselves. I will not follow these rules, they are sick, modesty is sick, it's all an illness. Of course if you choose it for yourself but I will not sit here and say it is okay to oppress these women because it was written in this religious book all because a man got messages from God. This religion is rooted in men and their need for control. There is no religion out there that is pro-women and I will not argue about it. If an innocent child can acknowledge your beauty and can understand that dressing nice and feeling nice sends out positive emotion, innocent and positive emotions like confidence and just happiness, grown adults should be able to understand this as well. These things taught to us, we are taught to feel ashamed of ourselves and to cover up while being told its to keep us pure and of value as if our vaginas are our whole purpose. As if we don't have goals and feelings and plans for ourselves. 

Please forgive me if some of my wording was bad, I was writing this quickly and it's also 3am here so I'm kind of tired, I just needed to get this out.  Oh and one more thing I forgot to add, not only do I think their religion is wrong but I don't believe in any at all. I've struggled with this for years and I've done my fair share of research and this is my conclusion. There is no changing my mind on this, I just needed to leave this here so I don't stress myself out about it.