feelings, ranting, talking to myself

if you happen upon this, 

hi. My name is Annie, or Anne. most people dont even know i exist because ever since 2006, ive been part of my body's system going with the flow of being the body and going by it's name. i never knew i was an alter until we discovered what dissociative identity disorder was in 2015-16 because our step father had alters and our first long term, albeit online relationship (yikes) was with a system. 

i kinda just, was there, never really thought abt not being the body but also knew i wasn't that person. it was complicated, but online i was able to be me without feeling weird about not using the name that belonged to the body. a lot of us did, next to me. except for those who somehow realized certain situations called for us to use at least a nickname close to our "own name".

id spend all my time online. woozworld, club penguin, fantage, girlsgogames, jump start, imvu, so many things. all i wanted was to connect and have friends, and somehow that hasn't changed over the years. somehow no matter how much i seeked out people, im still alone. i haven't had a friend in over 10 years. isolation is a recurrent theme in our lives. it's just hard to stay connected when i'm all in my own head, or have no energy to keep it all up. people are work, like everything in life is.

sometimes i can't help but feel like there's just something about us (being autistic maybe? apparently people can sense when ur neurodivergent and are put off by it, even if they don't know u are) that drives people away, or makes them stay away to begin with. 

now it's even harder, connecting with people is so foreign to us. and it's difficult to do now since we don't go anywhere like school or work. are your 20s really just that lonely and isolating or is it us? are we doing something wrong? 

anyway, before i get majorly depressed from thinking abt everything, im gonna end this blog, maybe do another when i think of more to say.