how my journey started - how did urs?

born in 2000, im a gen z through and through. i've always been drawn to alternative fashion from early on despite coming from an extremely conservative religious arab family -- if anything, i think this strict background fueled my interest in doing the opposite of what was expected. image is everything in my culture and a kid going haywire means shame for the family -- even in iraq, extremists have executed nearly 100 teenagers who adopted the western "'emo fashion". this type of expression is not commonplace in my culture, but being young, i didnt care. and a core part of that emo/alt-kid personality is "idgaf about what society thinks of me" which was such a safe and appealing concept to me.

playing guitar hero 3 was my intro to rock music. that and me inheriting my teenage brother's zune full of popular rock of the 2000s. in part silliness and part seriousness, i'd dress up with plaid skirts and knee high socks, fingerless gloves, striped shirts, and my hair in messy pig tails playing guitar hero at age 8 until this transformed into slightly more refined emo kid fashion playing a real electric guitar at 11. i'd obsessively carry around my "cool older brother's" zune like a good luck charm listening to muse, bayside, linkin park, from first to last, justice, daft punk, mcr, atreyu, and saosin everywhere i went. music was my little space of creativity, fashion, and expression that seemed forbidden in my house. 

when i was 12 and in the midst of 6th grade (2011/12), i fully gave in to what i wanted to do and express myself how i wanted - but i had to do so in such a secretive manner. no problem. i'd sneak big band t-shirts from my brother (who is 6'4 so they were like dresses on me, lol), would come to school early to change into those clothes and do my makeup/eyeliner, tease my hair, draw art like bones on my hands, put on all my spikey jewelry, and the works. before the school day ended, i hannah montana transformed back into the normal looking me when my mom picked me up. it's silly looking back, but i remember racing against the clock to change appearances and turned it into a game of sorts. this was my favorite year of my life with priceless memories of discovering myself (at the moment, at least), making new friends like me, dancing and singing and rocking out to good bands, full of teen angst, staying up talking to friends on kik, feeling like i knew everything in the world. even though i felt misunderstood, wanting to run away and stuck in constant disappointment from my parents, i still say these are my favorite years. i ruled my own world with no cares for tomorrow. 

there came a point when i no longer ruled my world. my parents found out my double life and they took me out of public school for the rest of my school years. after my well-loved 6th grade year ended, 7th through 12th grade was spent at home without many friends. i gave up my love for emo, old school punk, and alt fashion because it simply became too hard to express when my parents had their eyes on me 24/7. by 18, i had more freedom but clothing was still controlled by my parents and their religious ideals. to be fair, they do believe they were helping me (in their standards). 

i'm now 22 years old. my stupid rebellious teen years were cut short prematurely and i wasnt done living that life. i want it back, the childhood and the carelessness and the youthful fun. life is too short, i think, so im going to reach back to my nostalgic 2010-2013 years to relive what was one mine. to be honest, currently im not dressing the part or even outwardly adopted the styles of those days (1 - parents being parents still, and 2 - i dont have the full freedom/money/time). in fact, my profile pic on spacehey is actually just me when i was 12-13, lol. but internally im living in my past again - the good times, anyway. after years of not listening to any rock music at all, i created my my middle school playlist  recently and am headbanging each morning before work. to get the full nostalgic experience, i created this account and am looking to make friends with people who understand. these days i've got that emo on the inside vibe, but not so much on the outside, and i think that's okay.

maybe your story is like mine. maybe its totally different. share a little, if you'd like. im an open ear and welcoming heart for all.