never compromise; of love and smartphones and fear

My first phone intersected with my first love. They both happened at roughly the same time and changed me in ways I believe to be irreparable. I've written about her before, sparse on the details though. Her name was Hannah, and the roughly one hundred and fifty other girls I've been with since her feel like I'm chasing the dragon of that first pure, unadulterated love. That first love which defines the beginning of adolescence. That awkward phase between being a functional adult member of society, and youth. A lot of the times I wonder. If everything with her worked out the way it should've worked out, how would I turn out? I'm attractive now, because of her leaving me and never feeling like I'd be enough. I have my issues now, because of her leaving me and engraining a sense of paranoia and fear of the womanly figure to the point where I actively avoid girls in my everyday life.

My first love intersected with my first phone. I've never written about her before so I'll go heavy on the details. My first phone was a Oneplus 7 Pro with the gorgeous colour-shifting blue back and stupidly-fun popup front camera which also had the benefit of the screen being pure, free from any notch or cutout. She was also stupid fast, I believe at one point she was the fastest phone. I miss her as I feel like every phone I've looked at after her has been a cheap imitation or I've needed to compromise on features. I was spoiled with it. An object of perfection as my first, and those overwhelming feelings of joy it brought me I'll never be able to attain again.

My second phone intersected with my second love. Second love, as in, the second girl I've ever loved. As cruel as it may sound, the one hundred and fifty are just a number free of emotional connection to me. I've never written about her before. Kseniia was her name. She was from Ukraine and moved to my little desert town because of the war over there. A year older than me, but vastly more mature yet carefree. She was tall and athletic. One hundred and ninety centimeters tall and she did track and field. Extremely intelligent too. Probably the smartest person I've ever had the luxury of knowing. She was a year older than me, yet skipped the entirety of high school and triple majored at the university. For the first time since Hannah, I felt that warm obsession of love. And it is that obsession which created uncertainty and fear within me. That fear of never being enough led to me never talking to her again after that perfect second date but loving her so strongly, so obsessively.

My second love intersected with my second phone. Even though they're technically two phones, I still count them as one. This is because they're the exact same model, a Sony Xperia 5 III. Sleek and elegant. Black and rectangular. Similar to the Oneplus by having an unmarred screen, the front camera cleverly hidden within the top bezel. It had more features than the Oneplus did, an sd card slot and a top-mounted headphone jack, as well as much better cameras. It's the phone I still carry, even though it's replacement is soon arriving. A replacement I both long for and fear.

My third love will intersect with my third phone. I'm sure of it. I fear it. I fear them both. I fear the woman I love now, Mika, because I love her so strongly it feels like the love I had for Hannah and Kseniia but tenfold all over again. She loves me too. I'm sure of it. She fears me too, for the same reasons I fear her. I'm her unanswered question. I am perfection to her, as she is perfection to me. Yet, we've never been together. Never officially so. We've been each-other's singular person, soulmate even, yet never labeled. 

What are we? Some questions are left unanswered and stick with you for four years.

My third phone will intersect with my third love. It's an Oppo Find X9 Pro. Imported from Hong Kong, I've dropped a band on it. Every review I've seen treats it as the greatest android phone available right now, exceeding Samsung and Apple and all the big names. I have high expectations from it, but I also know I'll miss my headphone jack and my sd card slot and my pristine, unblemished screen.

I call myself a man without fear, the truth is I've spent every moment of my life since my first in fear that I've simply gotten used to the feeling.