my life as of now.

a bit of an update with my life. 

as you have known (if you have read my previous blogs.) i have gone through a bit of a journey that had come to an end about a month ago. i have been experimenting to say the least. with. my body. . .though it is not enough for me to feel something emotionally but the signals my brain lets my body to be able to feel hurt physically.

 it is almost an addiction the way i keep coming back to hurting some part of me. the way the liquid escapes my body trickling down my skin and onto the floor. the way my bones crack when they are bent the wrong way. the sounds my body makes and makes me make myself when i am hurt. it is all so interesting. i dont know if I can really stop. the mind makes you do all sorts of things. even ridiculous things suck as breaking your own bones out of curiosity. i am not sure how ridiculous it really is to do something like that. but i have a feeling if a person saw me breaking my bones they would look at me weird. 

i have been sitting in my house more now. rather than taking walks. well. i cant exactly walk properly. with each step i take a piercing feeling goes through my body. but i still move. though. i believe it is making me get worse in a way. i have searched it up and the results tell me otherwise. i dont care that much though. 

other than that. i havent done much else. i havent done much else but ponder on if i should try and get that hat again just to feel something emotionally. although i do wish for my feelings to come naturally i am losing in beliving in that. . .