Dumb boygirl thoughts

I feel like it wouldnt matter if i just dissappeared. I have friends, but i feel like none of them care that much about me. I feel like they're waiting for the next best thing, like it wouldn't mean much if i just stopped showing up, stopped hanging out. I feel like no one would even notice, i feel like i could just fade into the background without a trace. 

I want someone to tell me that they do love me, that they notice when im not in a room. I want to be told that i bring something to an event or a place that wouldn't be the same if i wasn't there. I'm so tired of telling everyone how much they mean to me, and only ever being told i matter to them when i say it first. I want to matter to someone all the time, not just when they remember i exist. I want to be someone's something. I would kill to mean anything to anyone. 

I have dreams of running away where no one can find me. I have fantasies of going missing and dying in some unexplainable way. I want to see what the world would be like in a place where no one knows my name. If i could start over, for one day, how different would everyone treat me? When i die, will people say all the words they're too scared to now? If i wasn't so close to my mom, i would've by now. But i couldn't do that to her. I wont let her bury her daughter. 

Sometimes i feel like thats my only purpose, though. To die, to leave, to be an event for the people around me to learn from. I'm so tired of being so alone. I want someone to just care. I want to belive them when they tell me they want me around. I'm so tired of begging to be cared about. 

I need to listen to actual happy music.