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I don't know what's wrong with me.
Maybe it's because I'll be away from friends for so long on break, maybe it's just winter. I feel trapped, somehow. I feel like my mother is just waiting for me to finally leave her and go back to school. I feel like I'm interrupting her life.
I'm an art major. what'll happen to me once I graduate? what's the point? will I be able to afford living? what if my family is disappointed in me?? I'll have this degree and for what, to work some dead-end job until I die?
I can't stop thinking about the fact that I'll die one day, either. I'm a living thing that won't last forever and one day I will die. it's terrifying. what will happen to me? I want to believe there's an afterlife and that I'll maybe go to heaven but my mind won't stop doubting everything. and if it's inevitable and my life isn't going anywhere, what's the point in even waiting?
I feel scared of everything and I wish I was 8 years old again and not constantly worried... er well, less worried at least. But that won't happen and I know I need to get over myself but I still don't feel great about it. and it's so dumb I know and I know I don't neeeed a partner but yknow, the feeling of being wanted is nice. but everyone around me is such a mess. oh well I guess. idk I feel like I just need confirmation that I'm somewhat want-able. but I'm convinced my friends secretly hate me sometimes so I'm sure I'd just feel that way in a relationship, too.
I know I've already mentioned it but every time I catch the train I have this compulsion to jump in front of it. it's more than just your regular intrusive thoughts idk how to explain it. it's much more intense. I'm scared that I'm gonna give into it soon and nobody I mention it to will take me serious. I'm sorry if it comes off as cringey and attention-seeking but don't know what's wrong with me and I'm starting to scare myself a little I'm sorry
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Leo
i know what you mean, i was kinda in that position a few years ago. while my parents were very okay with me being around during college, they definitely still put weird expectations and pressure on my life for doing what I enjoyed. i got my marketing degree and got 99% done with my finance degree and I gave up. i even had a music minor that i failed because i didn't turn in my papers on time since i was an awful procrastinator. my university sucked, i had no real friends there, and i would spend hours doing nothing in the library because it didn't make sense to drive home until i finished my last class of the day. it took a while (probably too long) for me to realize that i wasn't cut out for that life. now my life isn't perfect, but i have a part-time job helping people using knowledge from niche hyperfixations and i get to do cool photoshoots from time to time. and i've met a lot of people that changed my life by spending my summers meeting people in the city and getting away from those in my hometown. as a personal example, my (almost compulsive) obsession with cameras and an internship at a fashion magazine not only gave me a really fun outlet, but introduced me to a lot of people who helped me find a new place in life. i didn't perfectly keep up with all of them, but i was able to maintain a good relationship with most.
also, i'm sorry about your compulsions. are you taking any SSRI's? i'm not super depressed anymore but my adhd meds make me have some crazy compulsions and ssri's have been able to help with that, but i always took it slow and worked my way up the dosages. i know it sounds oversimplified/kinda dumb, but putting your life in the perspective of "what's the next cool thing you're doing for yourself" over "how will you survive in 10 years" does a lot more help than people realize