elation and relaxation

As the semester comes to a close, I realize I wasn't aware how fully awful my condition was. I think every waking moment I just felt like I was failing; a perpetual cycle where I couldn't escape my situation. It was work after work after work, with so much studying and yet I just never felt competent. Hearing people near me partying as I was stuck in my room, scrambling to read my notes and finish practice tests felt demoralizing. There were obviously good moments here and there, but every break came with the never ending doubt on how it would affect my grades. Adding on tough times with the family I was in a permanent state of agitation that even with small successes never went away. There were many sleepless nights, many fucking days where I questioned if any of what I was doing was worth it. And now it's finally over. When I received the grade for my last final, my eyes immediately dilated and I finally felt the exhaustion drag my body down. I was in a continuous cycle of stress, and I finally had some respite. It feels just so fucking good. The work I put in had paid off, even if it was infinitely small compared to what I still have to do. But it at least showed me I do have that ability, although whether I should is another question I'm still asking.