Some Midnight Thoughts

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Often times when I go to write music, I write with the intent to air out my feelings. To say what is on my mind in the moment. When I write music, I want to be real. I want to express that shameful, horrible part of me that I hide. That's why for a long time, I haven't been able to write music, almost years. I have forced some crappy tunes out here and there. But, nothing totally natural. These past few months I have written so much, especially yesterday and today. I have written out a couple love song ideas, an anti-love song idea, and a weird banger about a friend that I never thought I'd have.

It's so weird how you think life is going to go one way, but can go in a totally different direction. No matter how well together we think we have it, everything can crash so quickly. Got a lease on an apartment in Redmond and a stable job one minute, next your phone is shut off and you're mooching off McDonalds wifi at 3AM. Not the worst spot to sleep when unhoused to be honest! I'm coming to terms with surrendering control to God. I have always been pretty good at going with the flow of life. Circumstance changes, and I adapt. I want to try to settle down again sometime. I am horrified at the idea at the same time though. Letting myself get comfortable somewhere. Just because by letting myself feel at home, I am potentially exposing myself to a world crashing, again. 

I fear more the regret of not trying to be stable and loved, than trying and being back where I am currently. I don't think I have been loved in a long time, not in the way I need to be. I think I've been loved by most of my people for convenience, for what I can do for them. Not out of sheer care and duty. It sucks because I love them! I still love them. I think about a few people specifically. I try to give grace to one of them because I know they're busy with life. However, the other two I know could be around, they could make the effort. Yet, they don't. They go on with their lives as if we hadn't traveled to many places together, as if we didn't grow up together. There's a bit of a petty conflict between myself and someone. I want desperately to resolve it. I'm just so tired of always initiating. I am tired of being the one to attempt at resolution. In my mind, I feel that if they really want reconciliation, if they love and care for me for the sake of it, they would reach out. I hope he does, because I won't. Not anymore. 

For most of my life, I have been on the move. Just one place to another. When in Washington, I have mostly been in Pierce, Thurston, and King county. Just all over that area. When in Florida (what a jump, right?), It's mainly been Jacksonville, a bit of time in Daytona for university. I also spent some time in Oklahoma City. 

I have been considering relocating to Eastern Washington/Idaho for the foreseeable future. I love playing shows in the greater Seattle area, do not get me wrong! I am grateful for all of the people that have recently started supporting me, and for the friends I have made. But, I want to do something with myself. I don't see music as something I'd want to do professionally. I want to release an album, and maybe an EP and a second album later in the future. I also intend on touring around for some time. But, I want to get into carpentry. I feel behind when it comes to making something of myself. I was working a solid job in maintenance, but that's behind me now. Maybe I could go back in the field. But honestly, I need to be someone if I am going to be a good husband and father. That is so much more important to me than being some mediocre musician that couch surfs and sleeps in McDonalds parking lots. 

For a period of time, I am going to couch surf and stack cash like crazy. I want to make this Spring tour happen, and I want to do awesome things on the road. I have this idea where for a couple weeks after tour I'd use whatever remaining funds I had from the tour budget to go around and help people. Put out a Facebook post seeing if anyone was in need of help with fixing up their home and couldn't afford someone, or if someone needed a Bible study partner. Heck, even a ride to the store. I want to go around and just bless people, and not just financially but spiritually. 

I met someone really cool recently. We went on a date at Dicks Burgers... and got ice cream... in December... OUTSIDE. Totally comical. Anyway, the date was so nice and we have been talking on the phone an absolute crazy lot, and it's nutty to me how much we have been connecting? She supports me in my pursuit of whatever is going on with my musical ambitions. She seems to just sincerely want to build something lovely, and she knows what she wants and has some really awesome things going on for herself too. She loves Christ. She is really cheesy, but in a way that doesn't get under my skin. Really fricking pretty, like WHAT. She has a peak sense of humor, laughs at stuff I would never have expected in a million years, and I love it. We have gone on a couple other dates since, and both have been really good. I have felt really low, and she likes this version of me, now? If she's falling for me at my worst, I want to continue working toward being the best version of myself that I can be. I think there is something special here, and so I think she deserves it. She seems to care just as much about what I think of her as she thinks of me. There's so much more I could say. But, for privacy reasons, I should probably refrain.

There is a part of me that feels like my life is just starting now. Even though so much has happened since I've graduated, it's like everything has led me to this moment right now. This moment where I am typing out all of these thoughts I am having. Nearly done recording my debut album, booking a tour, and talking to a beautiful and exceptionally intelligent woman. I have gone to three colleges, lived in a garage, attic, my own apartment, and then my car, and now my uncles downstairs, have had quite a few jobs, and attempted at releasing my album just about a couple years ago now. I have had a lot happen, and I've made a lot of choices, good and bad. I feel blessed to be in this position because I have a clean slate, I have the chance to make something of myself. I am going to release this album, and it's gonna be something. I don't think it'll be amazing or groundbreaking. But, it'll be art from my heart. 

To close out whatever you would call this mess of a blog entry, life is nuts! It'll take you in all sorts of directions. You can take measures to ensure stability, yet nature will have its way and things can go south. At this point, I kind of expect it. I'm grateful for the experiences I have had, I am well traveled because of the conflicts. I am well versed in people because of it too. I am continuing to learn how to be. I embrace my imperfection, and seek to grow. In this moment, I am pretty happy. I have someone special in my life, very. I have new friends who sincerely value and love me. Not because I can do anything for them, but just because they like me and care for me. They reach out to me. I don't always have to take initiative. I have an album that will sound like music, not anything crazy good. And, I am alive. At the end of the day, I am grateful to be alive. Life is so hard, but its worth living. I am blessed with trials, I just need to learn from them. 

I hope that life continues to stay on this upward trajectory, and that I can be a person that is worth the peoples time that I care for. I'm not always a vibe, but I do always care. :p