Hooray for the holidays (rant)

I'm still not a fan of the holidays, and it's for mainly the same reasons. For some reason, my parents always end up fighting whether it's about my brother or some other dumb reason. But the main reason I dislike Christmastime is because I never have any clue what to get anyone. I receive all this stuff from people and I can barely give back because I don't have a job to buy stuff, and I can't make anything that looks presentable. 

And this year, I have even more of a reason to dislike the holiday season. My mom is leaving after Christmas. And I don't mean for a trip, I mean I might not see her again, like, ever. Worst part is, my Dad doesn't know yet. She told me about a month ago and I wish she hadn't, I haven't stopped thinking about it since. She said she'd tell my dad closer to the day of leaving, and she also said she'd leave after Christmas (because she "doesn't want to ruin Christmas", but she technically already has). Don't get me wrong, I love her (she's still technically my mom), but I'm angry. I'm angry that she's leaving, I'm angry that she's not acting like an adult (AGAIN) and instead of talking it out, she's just leaving. I'm angry that she thinks just because I'm 16 now means that I don't need her anymore. We're already financially unstable (especially during the winter, as my parents' job only functions during the spring-fall) as is, and if she's not there, then it'll be even worse. Of course that's not the only reason I don't want her to leave, I'm not a selfish brat. But it's just one thing that I worry about. 

I've only told one of my friends, and she offered to let me stay at her place (I love her, she's the best. my freaking goat). So there's that at least. But I don't want it to come to that.

I understand why she's leaving. My dad isn't the best to her even though he tries (most of the time). Actually, now that I mention it, my dad's kind of psychotic at time. I would write about what he's done, but I'd probably get tracked down or something. I want to stay completely anonymous; if anyone found this account, I'd surely be thrown into some kind of padded room. Fuck, I need help. 

I just want to go home. I mean, I'll still have my own struggles there (ghosts and stuff), but at least It'd be a familiar struggle. My parents love each other and actually communicate (most of the time), and my sibling isn't a felon. Dammit, screw this. I can't do this anymore. I'm not gonna kms, I'm not suicidal (though I have had thoughts recently, but I've been pinning that on intrusive thinking). I just need escape. That's why I write; it's the closest to home I'll be. Who knows, maybe all of this is fake. Maybe I'm some mentally ill kid with a personality disorder who's clinging onto the only thing he knows. But it can't be that. I need it to be real. 

Part of me knows it's not, though. Part of me knows that multiple other people go through the same thing I do. Part of me knows that I'm lying to myself, and that I want to be crazy because at least then it'll be real to me. I've got a head cold today (dizziness, headache, chills) which makes it a lot harder to distinguish this stuff from reality. No, this is reality. I can't be held back by the thoughts of the "sane". I'm being lied to. Fuck. Why am I posting this? Anyone who sees this is gonna think I'm insane. Fuck this.

Weird thing: I've been trying to hallucinate. Ok, that part is insane, I'll admit. But I think if I could see someone I know, then it would be more comforting than just "pretending". Fuck man, how did I get here? I'm honestly rambling atp. 

On another note, I hate being seen. I mean, as much as I love it (I enjoy acting), I hate it at the same time. When I'm walking through town, or when I'm walking through the halls at school. I just want to be left alone, and I can feel everyone staring at me. I can feel their eyes following me because I look like an idiot. I'm looking at my hands right now and they're awfully discoloured. Probably from the sickness. They're cold, too. 

Anyways, that's what I've found out recently (within the past few weeks). I yearn to be unseen. Not so I can do anything malicious, but so I... Well, I don't know why. I wouldn't be bothered by my friends asking me to hangout. Not that I don't, but, I mean, sometimes I don't. And I don't have a good reason, and I suck at making one up on the spot. So I end up reluctantly hanging out with them. I like being alone. I mean, I love hanging out with my friends, but only certain ones. There are two that I wouldn't mind spending all of my time with, and the rest drain me like a cybertruck battery. I think they're from the other place as well, if my second theory is correct. I just don't know who. One of them jokes that she's Jazz (because her name is so similar). I could see it; they're both nerdy. The other one could either be Sam or Tucker, I just can't decide which one. Or, this is wrong and they aren't anyone. That's a possibility as well. 

Anyways, why I brought up being alone is because strangely, for this, I want it to be seen. Even though everyone would probably pin it to be "fake" or "slop" or "insanity", I think at least a few people would understand and talk about it. Or, at least be able to get me some help. I kinda wanna be in one of those "weirdest threads on the internet" videos. Not that that's what I'm trying to do; this is all truth. But I like the idea of internet sleuths trying to diagnose me with something, or figure out what the hell is wrong with me (click click boom reference). Cuz then at least I'd have an idea, or a theory of an idea. I don't know, no ones gonna see this anyways. I'm rambling again lol.

How tf do you go viral on spacehey anyways... that's kind of why I'm posting it on here, because I don't want people to see it (but I do at the same time? idfk). Maybe I should try the forbidden 4chan...

D. Fenton out.