2025-12-15: I'm Not From Here But I Wish I Was

AS IF IT HAD ALWAYS BEEN DETERMINED SINCE THIS DAY I WAS BORN:::

I went to a "pond", as Newfoundlanders call it, a lake, as I would call it; in September of this year, earlier, about three months ago, even though now, it feels forever ago. There was no phone service, it was nice, a cabin. The weather wasn't the best but it was not bad either and frankly I don't care the weather doesn't have to be great as long as I'm not freezing to death or being struck by lightning. I really fell in love with the nature around here, the soft bed of needles and moss I was sitting in while taking the picture attached. Incredibly peaceful, in a new way I hadn't ever known. The last day I was there I couldn't help crying knowing I would never come back.

Every decision I have ever made has lead up to the place and time in which I am right now. Speaking English all day every day, shovelling snow, having gone to that pond, "catching feelings", renting out a typical /Canadian/ home temporarily...

I think I like the place in which I am right now, I feel quite content I do like it here. The fact that there is no future for me here saddens me profoundly. I love Newfoundland so much, I don't want to, but I really do. And I hate the fact that my home and this island are so far apart, that ultimately, I will have to choose. I know I will get over any kind of regret, as I have before, i will again. Of course it will be okay. And I say, "ultimately, I will have to choose" as if there is even a question about it, ha. Of course I have to go, why choose an objectively worse career path, when school and by extension post-secondary have always been the most important thing in my life? Why live on an island twelve hours and thousands of dollars away from my mother, my father and my brother? It does not matter how warm I feel here, I will feel just as good elsewhere. It does not matter that: Being here makes me feel as if the time I have spent here and will continue spending here has ALWAYS BEEN DETERMINED SINCE THIS DAY I WAS BORN.

This is the only picture I took while I was out there ;( #invasivespecies #idontbelonghere