I’m finally okay

I’ve been falling off this cliff for two or more years, I’ve always had really suggestive thoughts that have been normalized from the internet. I’ve wanted to die for so long, and even before I knew what suicide was I’ve always wished I wasn’t born. Which for a kid under 8 is severely messed up. I don’t know where I learned that behavior but it was normalized from internet access. I gained fetishes before even knowing the word existed, I lost the not even a year later so I’ve healed from that, however it’s still messed up. 

I’ve been fucked over multiple times in my life, and my partner was emotionally unavailable to me. In which I argued with him about, he was no reason to live. Yet the one thing that saved me was Chernobyl. 

I am not dead yet, and I won’t be for a long while. I have dreams, dreams of working in a power plant. A goal I can finally focus on, a dream that can be achieved. I would rather work any sort of dead end job, getting no sleep than to go to school every week. But now I have something to focus on that can help me reach my goal.

Dare I say I’m okay again? I feel no need for suicide, I feel good.

For the first time in years I want to live again