gender envy

Sometimes I think gender envy is going to kill me. For a few months now I’ve been questioning my gender a lot. I’ve always liked the idea of being a boy, looking like a boy, and being treated like a boy, but I’m also okay with being a girl.

Almost all the boys I’ve ever liked or found attractive in my life, at some point I realized that what I actually feel is envy—I wanted to be like them. Sometimes I cry looking at pictures of boys on Pinterest because I want to be like that, but at the same time I don’t want to abandon my current identity. Then I look in the mirror and I don’t know what I am or what I want to be.

I’ve always created female and male OCs. I’ve had short hair and felt comfortable like that, I’ve had long hair and felt comfortable too… From the outside it seems like I’m non-binary, but that idea bothers me, because being non-binary means being neither a girl nor a boy—and I want to be a boy. I just don’t want to completely abandon being a girl.

It’s so confusing. I don’t just envy male privileges. I envy their flat chests, short hair, broad shoulders, laid-back way of being, how they’re treated, their friendships, their deep voices. I want to play video games the way a boy plays, get good grades like a boy, be a feminist like a boy.

I hope that someday I’ll figure out who I am.