I miss him... It's my fault

I miss Nunzio, that guy helped me... but unfortunately I think I have a curse: everytime I become friends with someone, it doesn't last even a week or a full year. Me and him were actually friends with benefits. He was really charming, but didn't fake the interactions with me... like we were really boyfriend and girlfriend. I always wanted a real boyfriend. Unfortunately, due to my bipolar behavior with him, we ended all at the end of november. And I think it's all my fault that I doubted his care and worry he had about how I still feel now. I'll be honest, I have constant paranoia about my future and my past and suicidal toughts pop up randomly in my head. And yeah, I'm in therapy, but unfortunately I still struggle with a lot of stuff.

He helped me, I doubted about him being a man that actually cared of me, and then I ruin everything...