i am not anxious and consequently i am scared

im taking a good amount of APs this year. havent even dipped into having an A- in any of them. 

i know people who are kinda jealous of my grades, but its a whole running joke in my friend group that the only reason theyre that good is cuz im anxious 24/7. like the kind of stuff where, before a test, i make a spreadsheet, a study guide, calculate how it might affect my overall grade in desmos, grind till 2 am maybe, etc etc etc. its gotten to the point that many of my teachers notice me panicking days before a test and have to reassure me that it wont make me explode (im so healthy ik)

finals are next week. i should be scared. yk. as per usual

but i havent been worried at all.. like. im genuinely chilling. for the first time ever im not stressed tf out

this is very unusual but 3 of my 6 classes arent having a final exam. straight up. like they either got replaced by fun little projects or got deleted entirely

as for the other 3 tests, according to my calculations i need at least a 68.35% on physics, 57.24% on history, and 76.34% on math in order to keep a solid A. each of those scores are over 10% lower than the worst score id ever gotten throughout the entire semester, and i have a good understanding of the material anyway, so i think ill be okay.

its not like im not gonna study. im just not freaking out for the first time. 

HOWEVER this has had the unintended side effect of me now being worried that i SHOULD be worried. im like sisyphus. i know for a fact im gonna get all my studying done in time but the fact that im not forcing myself to spend every waking moment thinking about finals is scaring me

wish me luck out there,

i think i might explode,

e sulcatus

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