paranoia venting

i cant get the paranoid thoughts to stop going on loop. having a brain prone to perseveration is difficult for so many reasons but the experience of it by itself is awful. also i hope no one ever thinks they have to comfort me or anything like that if they see me venting, i got this, im always trying my best to internally assist myself positively. 

this is one avenue i utilize in helping me, i write down what im thinking and feeling so i can process it, understanding/acknowledgement is an important step in overcoming/coping with difficult things - this website is a great way to document those thoughts as im living and continue that quest while also showcasing it so others may find comfort in it if they relate in anyway, or just enjoy receiving insight from acquiring others perspectives (i do both often)

i hate the feeling that im annoying but not in a harmful way so ppl are scared to tell me n so they spare my feelings.  i also get paranoid that i reuse jokes too much. like, i understand that i reuse jokes and ppl fake hate it n laugh (not always tho so maybe thats a hint, but i literally cant tell) but i get worried ppl actually get annoyed sometimes n i dont want that. 

i do it for a couple reasons but its always been my tendency to repeat things im amused by, i use my humor as a form of coping, i use it when im feeling good too ofc but in social settings my brain is naturally exerting A Lot of its energy even if im having the best time so i instinctively do behaviors that help give energy back - and so i often end up using humor it as a stim. autistic people have brains more prone to repetitive and obsessive patterns, internally and externally; so the jokes are repeated over n over in my head, and i stim by saying them or doing them, typically alot lmao.