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It's almost been a year since my MawMaw (grandmother) passed away. It was unexpected, we thought she would pull through and be able to come home. And while she did come home in the end, she passed away there while in hospice.
I moved almost 2000 miles away back in 2019 so I hadn't seen her in a few years. I desperately wanted to get married in my home state so that she could go, and I've been feeling guilty about it ever since. But we were limited on funds and couldn't find a space to do it nor a pastor that would despite me knowing several personally but all of them were busy around the time we were getting married. 🤦🏻♀️ It was all so ridiculous. So we got married here. And while my mom, brother, and sister were able to fly up here for it, my MawMaw was obviously not able to attend. If I could turn back the clock and somehow make it work I definitely would.
She couldn't speak at all towards the end, maybe moan or groan but that's it. I sang a line of her favorite gospel song 'I'll Fly Away' because she loved the song and always loved to hear me sing it. My mom said that she saw my MawMaw cry when she heard it on the phone. I told her thank you for helping to raise me when I was young, for being there for me no matter what, for loving me unconditionally, and that I loved and missed her so much. And she passed away the next day, on my mom's birthday, 12/21/24. I'm dreading the day it comes. I want to wish my mom a happy birthday but I also know that she is grieving too, and she's already said that she'll never think of her birthday the same way again. I can't blame her. 💔
I really miss my MawMaw. She was everything one could want in a grandmother or mom. She gave everything she had to anyone who needed it, and loved you as if you were her own. She wasn't perfect, she had depression, but she was strong and held on for a very long time. Her body failed her in the end, but she never failed me not once. If given another chance, I'd choose her again in any other lifetime to be my MawMaw again. 💜
She loved me this I do know, but I just hope that I made her proud. She'll never meet her great grandkids, and for that I feel so sad. But they know who she is, that she was their great MawMaw. She would've loved my bonus kids as much as I do. I always dreamed of having kids and her watching them like she watched me, and to know that will never happen breaks my heart.
In short it's hard, grieving. If anyone has any coping tips, they're much appreciated. 💜
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♡ jovi 🐹
first, i know it's been almost a year but i'm so sorry for your loss. my grandma is getting up there and i'm trying to brace myself for the inevitable, whether that's a year from now or more or less. she helped raise me and was more of a mom to me than my own mom was while i was growing up. i know it's going to be hard. but i try to focus on the now, the time we still have together
anyway. this blog had me tearing up, i had a lump in my throat. she loved you. keep that, hold that close. she loved you
grief is hard, and it's different for everyone. my grandpa died when i was 12. it took me close to 10 years to finally let go. for almost 10 years his death was a major factor of my depression and when i finally let go it was like i could breathe again, for the first time in years
my best advice, after going through that, is to let go of the guilt. all of the could haves and should haves, you didnt and you cant. so let go. she wouldnt want you to let that rule your life. she wouldnt want you to carry that guilt with you. she would want you to forgive yourself and carry on and be happy
when the mood strikes, even if it isnt a talent or something youre particularly good at, write or draw or do something creative in her name. poetry, a memory, a feeling. do it because you love her and miss her, but do it for you as a way to heal. maybe it's something you can share with your mom, to help her through the grieving process, too. did your grandma like to do any crafts, or cooking or baking or yardwork or anything like that? connect with each other and her that way. share memories, laughter and tears, all of it
as long as you keep her memory alive, she isn't going anywhere. you carry her with you in everything you do, because you were a part of her and she was a part of you
"No one is finally dead until the ripples they cause in the world die away, until the clock wound up winds down, until the wine she made has finished its ferment, until the crop they planted is harvested. The span of someone’s life is only the core of their actual existence." — terry pratchett, reaper man
"Do you not know that a man is not dead while his name is still spoken?" — terry pratchett, going postal