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hello to whoever reads this, im writing a blog on my work computer again
i learnt from the mistake i made yesterday and brought in my own lunch to work, i thought i was gonna pass out from starvation yesterday, i should NOT skip lunch break ever again oh my god
anyway, when my dad picked me up yesterday, it was an awkward car ride as usual but he suddenly broke the silence with a solemn tone, "your phaw(my maternal grandpa/mom's dad)... mummy called me earlier and told me he has passed away this afternoon"
my heart dropped so fast, my heart felt like it was saying "i cant believe it", but that sentence is a lie; i knew that the time would come soon, my prediction was late 2025 or some time in 2026. it sounds heartless that i even dare to predict it, but i cant stop my brain from figuring out what it wants
he continues "this morning, phaw was complaining that he couldnt breathe, so they called the ambulance", "the doctors put him on life support to keep him alive" and nothing else. i think he stopped talking to let me cry, though i didnt
before he passed, i thought on the day that it would happen, i'd breakdown uncontrollably. because he and my mae (my grandma) were the ones who did everything to make me happy as a kid while my parents were away doing who knows what. my phaw introduced me to disco, country and rock music which contributes largely to my music taste today. he also inspired me to pursue a hobby in music, i play guitar partly because of him, i learnt my doremi's from him, he is my rockstar
i just sat in the passenger seat silent and deadpan, i was even thinking "i guess i'll be inheriting his guitar", followed by "why am i even thinking of this?". its like i cant process it. i still dont understand why i have no reaction to this. i think my dad was confuse by my behavior, a short while later, we went straight back to talking about my college plans again. however, he even asked me "dont you want to call mummy and ask about phaw?", i said "later". it felt like even my indifferent dad had more heart than me
i thought, i'd finally let it all out once im back in my bedroom alone. but i just sat on my couch waiting for the emotions to kick in, i was really trying to process it, yet it never came
and then i thought maybe i was just tired from work and i'll just take a short nap. well i couldnt because i felt uneasy, distraught
then i called my mom, she first asked me about my day at work then she asked, "have you heard? did anyone tell you about phaw? did papa tell you?". i said "yeah". the plot twist was when she said "the doctors put him on life support, right now hes still alive but his body cant function like it used to anymore", i was confused and said "but papa said he died?". i didnt mean for it to sound like that, it just couldnt be helped because my thai vocabulary is very limited. i could audibly hear her sigh, she then said "no, hes on life support, he just cant breathe on his own anymore", "the doctors will decide when to pull the plug". i was so confused, i think maybe my dad misunderstood my mom's thai
i thought it was best if i kept the news from my friends, even the closest ones from the news, i didnt want to ruin the atmosphere of fun and jokes. it was also because to me, it was weak, pathetic, self-centered, and pitiful, i dislike looking that way. my boyfriend doesnt know either; with all the little time that we can talk to each other, i dont want to waste it on him feeling sorry or offering condolences to me, i dont want us to talk about these inferior feelings
im not trying to be an edgelord, its just really how i feel. as im writing all this, i do feel sad but its still not so extreme that i need to call home to cry
for the rest of that day, i played minecraft and roblox with my friends. it felt weird, because i was acting like it never happened. i was just laughing, joking, teasing with my friends, i think it helped me quite a lot to be around my friends
and now im bored at work, writing a long ass blog, way past my lunchbreak
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superkash
I read everything you wrote, slowly, and I just want you to know that nothing about this sounds wrong or heartless or cold. Grief doesn’t always arrive as crying on the floor sometimes it comes as numbness, confusion, or your brain jumping to random, practical thoughts because that’s the only way it knows how to protect you. That doesn’t mean you loved your phaw any less.
The way you talk about him the music, the guitar, the do-re-mi, the joy he gave you when you were younger that is love. That connection doesn’t disappear just because your emotions haven’t exploded the way you expected them to. There isn’t a “correct” timeline or reaction for this kind of loss, especially when everything around it is so uncertain and messy.
It also makes sense that you wanted normalcy laughing, gaming, joking with friends. Sometimes being okay for a few hours is the only way to stay afloat. It doesn’t mean you’re avoiding anything or being selfish. It just means you’re coping in the way that works right now.
And you don’t owe anyone your grief. You’re allowed to keep it private, to protect it, to not explain yourself, to not perform sadness for others. Feeling things quietly doesn’t make them inferior it makes them yours.
Whatever comes later whether it’s tears, anger, emptiness, or still nothing at all, all of it is valid. I’m really glad you shared this. No pressure to talk, no pressure to feel a certain way. Just know you’re not alone in this.