making friends

i swear making friends was so easy like two years ago, i don't understand in what moment i became someone so insecure about just existing as a normal human being. :(

like i decided to use my cf on insta to kinda post stuff for people i actually like, but i can't help but feel judged, and not only that but it's this feeling of knowing no one actually cares about what im showing, and well, yeah makes sense but i feel so stupid. 

i miss chatting with random people that just talk about whatever and not knowing which of those could be a friend. actually if I'm honest I'm just sad because after THREE years i can get over losing my best friend, not bc they died, but because they changed/didn't want me anymore, and i feel awful for it every day like i swear that person was my everything, perfect even bc that's how i feel it, and at the same time i feel like im simply imagining stuff just bc im lonely, and even though im opening up here or on insta i know i can't make new friends, bc idk, im bad at it, at knowing what to say and do and whatever, like i actually forgot how to be normal, and i swear sometimes i just wish I was normal, even though i don't want to really, people is so difficult :((((((((