Yearning, again, before bed

I wish being in love was easier!! This feels like the most humiliating experience EVER!! I wish it came with a manual, a list of what to say and what to do. I wish i could tell what people think of me so I knew right away if i need to just give up. I feel like I'm chasing the sun as it rises, helpless and foolish. But sometimes I feel like maybe it'll be worth it. 

It sucks, because we already have something so good. Is it worth possibly ruining that just for my own selfish feelings? Would I even be a good girlfriend? I know I'd give it everything i have, I'd move the tides and fight old gods if it meant that i could make them smile. I dont understand how such a beautiful soul goes undermined, it doesnt feel fair. But I'm barely beautiful, and I'm annoying and clingy and sad most of the time. I want to be less of a mess, and i want to be with them. Im certain I dont deserve it, though? 

I'm greedy and I'm heavy handed and wide eyed. Im not the kind of girl people love. But i won't make myself smaller for them, i dont think this person wants that. All I hope is, maybe one day, they'll see how long I've burned for the very thought of them. I want them the most innocent ways, too. A simple brush of our hands is enough. They've been in my dreams since we met. I'm sick, but im trying to be better. I am content to let my desire swallow me whole if it means they'll still hang out with me. 

Maybe I'm genuinely insane, my friends say i need to be cherished. Loved without a doubt of "what if." I think i need to become the best person I can possibly be, because not only is that what I want, but then I'll be even better for them. One day, they can love me guilt free. 

Until then, im stuck yearning and humiliating myself ig :(