Unfiltered Blog [25]

okay hihihi
i dunno who is gonna read this or care but I FIGURED OUT WHY IM NOT CREATIVE ANYMORE so i think ima just talk about that.. but also how are you?? (one day someone has to answer me right i mean 25 in surely)

  so like i feel like over the years ive never been SUPER creative in anything i did, but now it's even worse. now it's like i can't even think of a nice art idea thats not just a character outside looking away towards the camera.. istg thats all i can come up with.. every time i have tried to be "creative" and make something ive never done before or seen before, I FAIL. like i either get frustrated with it so i quick or just stop working on it for no fucking reason... so subconsciously i just stopped trying?? like ig i found there was no sense in creation anymore and just, quit. which sucks bc ive been losing my mind on what the hell im going to do if art isn't what i want to do????? like there is nothing else for me.. "i wasn't even supposed to make it to adulthood", thanks past me YOUR AN IDIOT!!! i despise how much I envy other artist so fucking much. their all so passionate, even if they dont draw all the time, their art has HUMANITY to it, while mine is just fucking nothing.. like it only looks good. i want to evoke emotion, but I CANT. idk where to take my art and idk what to try bc IM NOT FUCKING CREATIVE. i thought i found my spark, but i lost it. i lose everything..

im so upset that i can't even make a playlist correctly.. like i love so many different songs that IDK what to put in my personal playlist. u would say to just put everything in it but i only listen to certain things if im in the mood for it and that changes constantly... UGGHHHH GODDDDDDD. i hate how difficult everything is for me istg.. i wish i was normal. anyways enough self-loathing 4 now uhhhmm i've been super crazy about TADC :D

the new episode was SO FUCKING GOOD HOLY SHIT!!! spoilers bc i have no one else to talk to this about currently.. EVERYONE I KNOW EITHER DOESN'T WATCH THE SHOW OR HASN'T WATCHED THE NEW EP. so like.. Jax.. JAX MY BOY WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON LMAO. okay im joking ik we all know that he was going to abstract, but what i didn't expect him to be shown ALMOST abstracting AND that fact we were looking inside his mind!? i genuinely thought they'd NEVER show what goes on in abstraction, but THEY DID. they went there. it's so sad that IF Jax abstracted, the last thing he saw was Ribbit and Kaufmo.. i wonder if the reason why Kaufmo abstracted was because Ribbit was gone. I BET DUDE. another thought came to my mind of, why didn't Jax go to his funeral? they seemed to have been close, all 3 of them, so why did he refuse? did he refuse to go to Ribbit's too???? i bet he did, maybe it was too hard for him, sense I think we do see him looking on from the side, but I could be wrong i don't remember everything. (even tho I've rewatched this show countless times)  just feel bad for the guy bc he has smile depression and he's an ass so everyone else in the circus isn't going to really treat him gently. one thing i hate the most tho, it's not even apart of the show, is that everyone treats Jax like a baby? online I mean. istg every single time there is a character like Jax everyone does that. no he's not a lil "uwu I'm baby" character, do that to Gangle or something 😭. also we need to talk about Caine. I think he's losing his patience with the humans. in the first ep we see he was working on creating an "exit" for them, but now he's TRICKING everyone with it. he's playing with their heads, but why??? in my mind there is no reason for him to be doing this. doesn't he WANT to keep them there and have them not abstract? was this just a show of power...? this CLEARLY is going to cause tension and stress with everyone.. so I seriously don't understand his motive with doing this. making an exit was going to comfort them, but now he wants to torture them? MAYBE THIS HAS TO DO WITH "I HAVE NO MOUTH AND I MUST SCREAM" BC THAT IS A MASSIVE INSPERATION FOR TADC! basically in that story the AI controlling the world is purposing toying with the humans and making them suffer. I bet thats where this is a heading, but I miss Caine being a silly lil mouth guy.. now he's like EVIL... i still want the plush of him tho IDC! maybe he is controlling the whole "abstracting" thing. it could be a way of him protecting the humans? by making an out for them once the stress becomes too much? bc he's not phased by it at all and seems to be in control of it SOMEHOW. also bro Able had ALL OF US. they were setting him up and MAN it paid off.. for a little I believed him but once Jax said it was all some adventure in the back of my mind I KNEW HE WAS RIGHT. it was still insane tho bc it even got to Pommni bc Able probably doesn't know what "I'll buy you a drink" really means so he just repeated what he said.. 

anyways i think thats enough of that. mental health awareness time, i haven't showered in a week, and i havent' gone outside my yard in like two, going on three, weeks. im so glad i dont have any irl friends bc I SMELL SO BAD.. i hate being mentally ill bc it means being dirty and ashamed fucking constantly. no matter how kind and patient I am with myself it still doesn't fix the fact im mentally incapable of doing shit. im tired, i wanna go somewhere, i wanna live. almost everyday i feel so hopeless and I don't know what to do anymore. art used to help, being with Adam (my bf) and Bunny (my bsf) always helps, but im just dependent, and I can't feel ok without them.. its so hard writing shit like this bc ik tomorrow ill be like "WELL I DONT FEEL THIS ANYMORE AND EVERYTHING IS OKAY!" and i hate it. im just gonna come out and say this bc idc anymore NO ONE READS THESE ANYWAYS not when their long at least, so here, i think i have Quiet BPD, or maybe just BPD in general. thats why i hate having all these stupid feelings bc their always out of control. i cant FUCKING love myself, or like myself, or take care of myself, i can't fucking do this, and i dont want to depend on anyone. i hate that i want a caregiver.. i hate that i seem useless without one.. and i hate how i lost myself. when i say "myself" i mean my capabilities. i can't do shit anymore, but HEY at least i can ACTUALLY laugh and i know what genuine happiness is now right?? 

i feel so disconnected from the human experience. when i hear ppl have these.. life changing experiences, i can't relate in any way. 

uhm i cant write anymore about whatever i was talking about bc my Adam made me laugh and blush sm that i lost all train of horrible thoughts and now i feel fine.. uhm okay 😭 thanks bpd anyways (im not diagnosed yet but common) 

the dandy's world christmas event released and YAY im so HAPPY its really fun. the ice on the first day was SO SHIT THO OMG. like you couldn't get away it was horrible.. now tho it's a lot more manageable to just move and way more satisfying. I haven't finished Rudie's quest yet which sucks.. I'm on the last one tho, it's the "get and finfish the new floor 15 times", WHICH SUCKS bc its random.. but im not too bumbed about it bc there is SO MUCH TIME. i haven't been grinding on the game as much as i did last year.. idk guys its just so hard when you dont have a perm team and youve been playing for over a year now. WHATEVER UGH I CANT JUST BE HAPPY ABOUT SOMETHING WAHH WAHH WAHH FUCKING CRY BITCH. anyways the christmas spirit in the game is SO THERE. i love the new floor SO MUCH i've yet to see the lore room tho i gotta search for it. i still love watching DW content even if I don't like playing the game by myself all that much anymore. it's only fun when your playing with someone you know or with good players. shutup omfg i was about to go "WAAHH WAHHH I DONT HAVE A PERM TEAM" i need to stop being a pussy ISTG. anyways guys uhm this is me being unfiltered for once i hope u hate it as much as i do. 

fun thing i did was that i left the stove on all night by accident. just though i'd say that. remember kids, everyone makes mistakes, but I make the most!! im the most self-centered person in the room and i take everything personally! i think in black n white and i dont know what people truly mean EVER!!!!!!!!!!!! its so horrible im acting like the ppl i despise but like.. idk ig thats just what happens. u live too long and you become the person you never thought you would. man. i wish i wasn't this cringy, edge lord, weirdo. i mean idk if i can even say that bc compare to other ppl who are SERIOUSLY CRIMINALLY CRINGE AND WEIRD (like talking about gore, liking kids, shit like that) im not that type.. i just write super self-centered and like im the most horrible person in the world when I'm not.. im sorry, i don't know why my mind ended up like this. so broken and disconnected constantly. i hope things will change in 2.. maybe 4 years..? idk. when i can move out and hopefully live with someone.. idk. idk anymore.

i miss my dog. i miss her so much. rn it felt like she was under me. but she wasn't. i just want to cry. i know she's not gone, thank the universe, but i just miss her so much. i miss being able to hug her whenever i wanted to.. or pet her, or play with her. im just really lonely without her. idk what im going to do with myself when shes gone.

anyways im done i need to stop starving myself and eat maybe idk,
goodbye everyone, take care, drink something, eat something, and have a good day/night.