vent #1

I'm still madly in love with my ex. 

for some context : we dated for 6 moths after i asked him out (online relationship ) eveything was good in the first months but then he changed, or maybe i did, but we ended up fighting all the time over everything and nothing, he was being very rude to me and im a very sensitive person who cries very easily so it's really not a good match for arguments. I'm the kind of person who needs time to think after an argument because i dont like talking while being mad, and him well he's more of an "idc" guy, whe he was hurting me he would say that i was just playing the victim and i was seeking for attention (which hurt me alot bc i told him about my issues with opening myself to people, but he was my bf and i trusted him so i was trying very hard to communicate as much as i could to not ruin the relationship). I ended up breaking up with him around 5 months ago, not because i didnt love him anymore but because he was being too rude and mean with me, everyday  was constant insults telling me that i was worthless and a slut. he said it was just jokes, and maybe it was, but joking about that was just hurting me. he lied to me about something and it just was too much, the breaking point. i exploded and told him that i wanted to break up, he accepted and i regretted it right after. but i needed to stay on my words and tbh i was just a mess ready to explode anytime, this relationship was consumming my joy. ofc he was making me happy, he would always made me laugh so hard i'd cry and he would always find the right words to cheer me up, when it was good between us, it was soooo good. but when it was bad ? it was living hell before tasting death. he admitted that he was uncomfortable with me being friends with boys, and tbh it's very understanable im not trying to blame him or call him insecure BUT he never told me about this thing ? never told me this was bothering him so how could i possibly know ? he was even friends with one of my guy friends and talked to the others many times because i introduced him to them as soon as i started to get a crush on him. its not like i was hiding these friends from him or anything. so after he told me all of this i obviously apologized but it was too late, what was done was done and we werent together anymore. i accepted to stay friends even tho i dont really wanna stay friends with people i dated but i said yes anway, and the story couldve end here, we couldve just stay friends ans happy end but it's not.

after we broke up everything started to be so weird, we were talking without talking, i tried to advoid him but my whole soul was craving for him so it was very complicated, we were even calling sometimes because we have friends in commons so we would vc in the same call. we enden up totally stopping talking after some times, and then in the summer he would randomly send me tiktoks, and if i tried to create a convo he would leave me on seen or dont answer. i did it sometimes too ig, very childlish revenge. and we talked recently thats why it made me wanting to vent. i called him by accident and he started to create a conversation, then we talked till bed time, then the next day, and the following day, till today where we stopped. and i hated it. i didnt hate texting him, i hated this feeling reminding me at every text that it will be over soon, that we will stoip talking again and i wont have news from him for idk how long, i hated getting used to text him like we used to so quickly knowing damn well it will take me weeks before getting used to not talk with him again. i hate knowing it's over, i hated that i had to break up with him, i hate letting him go, i hate knowing he's not mine anymore, i hate this empty feeling because he's not arounf, i hate checking my phone, praying that by some accident his name will be on my screen, i hate being farm from him, i hate letting him go, i hate not being his gf and sharing his day, i hate knowing i dont bring him any joy anymore, i hate knowing that one day a nicer and kinder girl will take care of him, i hate knowing it's over forever and i'll never have the right to hold his heart preciously into my hands, taking care of always feeding it with all the love i have, not daring to hurt it in anyway. he told me that i deserved something kind and genuine, but if it's not with him then i dont want it for sure. id rather be miserable with him that happy with someone else. he promised to change and date me again, so i'll wait, i'll always wait for him because he's worth it, and even more than that.

i talked about very sad stuff but id aslo like to bring some very good point that explains why i love him sm, even tho he sounds mean with the way i described him earlier, it's not the case, he's not mean, i dont hate him and i never will. first he has the most beautiful voice ever, i could listen to it for hours and never get bored, and his laugh is just so perfect. he hs such a soft calm voice i could fall asleep listening to it. he has a  very breathtaking face too, from his beautiful dark eyes, to his small nose, his adorable cheeks and to finish with his so pink lips he looks like an angel he's so gorgeous. i also love how he would always listen, no matter what i was talking about he would always listen very carefully, making sure to not miss any details of my story, it could be about anything and nothing he would always listen AND remember. and even if i told him a story twice he would still listen like it was the first time i told him about it. he also was so good with words, like he always found the right one to cheer me up, he knew exactly how to bring my mood up with sweet pet names or conpliments, he knew how to make me blush so easily and always used it to joke around with me, he was obviously so loyal, once he stopped playing with his friends just to text me and let me have all of his attention and it was genuinly so sweet that my whole heart melt. he was always caring, asking me about my day, school, friends, games i played etc.. i really loved how he had only eyes for me (s much as i had only eyes for him)

 i really hope we will be back together, if by any chance he end up changing id run into his arms again without any hesitation, if by any chance he sees this, then please come back to me, you're the only one in my mind, i miss you so much. but if by any bad luck he finds someone else, then i wish him to be the happiest ever in everything he does, i wish him just happiness and good vibes, i wish him the life he's been searching for, and i wish he will never forget be and my smile.

chay's out