Misery

i wouldn't describe my life as a misery but it does feel like it.

back then i felt like a sweet, loved, important child, with a loving mother and a classical father, moma always played the role of my best friend but i ruined this beautiful bond by distancing myself and dad...always has been a dad, nothing real special.

i got introduced to the internet at a very young age and developed interests no child i knew heard about. i was isolated and viewed as "weird" from children and "autistic" from my teachers. my lack of my native language vocabulary was no help to the bullying i faced, i was described as a fat pig with pimples or a spoiled fat brat, i doubted myself since then, lifting my shirt up and turning to the side. i bottled up these emotions within me and kept a big smile around my family, they didn't suspect i thing, great, exactly what i wanted.

to forget the growing and aching pain inside of me, i lost myself on the Discord app, and this is a part i would like to skip, little me was clueless and vulnerable.

throughout the years i developed pitch dark thoughts no sweet child shall ever have, the sadness and loneliness were part of my daily life, which lead to some actions that ruined me and my poor moma...i used to call her moma as a child, still do...i hate myself for making her cry, make her feel like she wasn't enough, make her feel like a bad mom...i have chosen the wrong way to let out my feelings. it's crazy how i let everything to myself for so so long and how i exploded...

years later i am still not free from any of these, but i do have amazing friends now, i wouldn't know what i'd be like without them, if only i meet them earlier, i wouldn't be the mess i am. only sad part is that they're not from school. i love each one of them with my whole heart...and that boy...

gosh that boy, i love him and it feels like i've been having feelings for him forever but i would rather die then confess first...i don't want him to know, he shouldn't..i just hope one day, just one of these days he'll love me as much as i do...

this is kind of depressing for first blog, buuuuuuut i didn't know what to write about, puhuhuhu, anyhow, i've always wanted people to know me in a deeper level so here!