wishbone.txt - 1

 I'm not quite sure why I'm on this website ranting. I guess it's either here or reddit and I'm not too enthusiastic about the latter? Unsure. I've always had problems keeping track of my emotions and memories unless someone is there to witness it. I think posting here just creates the illusion of being seen since there's a chance someone will see it. To be fair, I go to therapy to work through whatever goes through my head, but there's a few things I can't share. Like, I can't rant to my therapist about how inaccurate it is for Cheryl/Heather Mason to have Pyramid Head as her killer in DBD; Pyramid Head is a SH2 exclusive monster because he is James's guilt, he's got nothing to do with Cheryl/Heather. I can't talk about this shit in therapy cause my therapist is a 50 year old self proclaimed Neo-Luddite, and though we see eye to eye on many many topics and have similar hobbies, video games are not his thing. This is just one simple example of some of the things I can bring here but not to his office. 

 Anyways rant time! I crashed out like a week ago and the week before that. 2 weeks ago, my partner decided to put our relationship on a break, and while it was a good decision because neither of us are doing okay at all, it still hurt like a bitch. So rather than be rational and go back home to sob into a pillow, I decided the best course of action would be to buy a whole bottle of wine (I'm a lightweight and shitty wine was the most bang4buck don't @ me) and drink it at the beach near where I live. I ended up in some place I didn't recognize at first. I found a bridge with some beautiful lights, and though the possibility of being mugged wasn't too unreal, I decided I didn't really have much dignity left to lose and opened the bottle. Stumbled home at a reasonable time --somehow managing to seem sober enough to my parents-- and after eating dinner I promptly fell asleep. The week that followed, I felt hollowed out. Crashed out again, opened up to Bea about it this time. She's a uni friend and is also one of the nicest people I've met. She took me out for slushies. I sometimes think she's being fake-nice to me, but I want to believe I'm deserving of the kindness she extends to me.

 This week I've been better. I've hung out with friends and have been generally busy with classes so I didn't have much time to wallow in pity. I got my hair fucked up by a fellow lesbian who saw the pictures I showed them and went "Ok bro i got u" and gave me something completely different. I'm left wondering if we got lost in translation or if they had some personal vendetta against me, but joke's on them if so cause I kinda dig it?? It's a similar haircut to the one I had when I was 4 and 14. My friend Luis thinks it suits me. My parents think it makes me look cute, reminds them of a younger me.

 And what do I think of it? I think I don't know how to feel. I'm thinking of bleaching it. I'm thinking of shaving the sides and getting an eyebrow slit. I'm thinking of getting my tongue pierced again. I'm thinking of smoking a cigarette. I'm thinking of freckles on a neck, marking the spot where my dearest treasure is buried. I'm thinking of how I'll survive until I'm there again. My therapist says life moves like a spiral that occasionally comes closer to a previous point before moving away again. I don't say anything back because I know he's right. Between the two of us, he's smoked the most cigarettes.