Its midnight, heres some shower thoughts on my gender identity

This is first ever entry here so I have no actual idea of how to write this. Also english isnt my first language ^^ also its kinda long

I mean, its just so hard to think (not just think but actually reflect and admit these kinds of thoughts to myself) about who I am. Sometimes I wonder if other people also feel this way, because while I do think I’m alone in this every time I burst into tears before bed, I know, and hope, I’m not the only one.

I’m about to enter my last year of high school, but these questions started my last year of middle school. I noticed I was fairly unhappy with myself and my life as a whole. I mean, I’d laugh and joke with my friends, but those were just momentary flickers of happiness. Once I got home I just didnt feel happy or like there was any actual reason to be.

Then I started delving into why I felt that way. Amongst many different reasons, I was struggling with my self expression at the time, feeling like people’s perception of me and my own were completely different. That’s when I found out about transgender. It took a while but I’d come to the conclusion I was transmasc, although I still wasnt sure.

I started dreaming about being a boy, telling people online I was one, wearing baggy pants and men’s tshirts and smiling at myself in the mirror. It all went well until I entered the online (mostly tiktok) trans community.

I’m not saying I had bad experiences with the community since I never really interacted with it, but it made me insecure. I mean, am I really allowed to call myself trans if I dont feel bad and cry everytime I look myself in the mirror? If I dont know what I actually am? (Mind you these were the thoughts of 13yo me who was just as confused as a newborn baby)

And these thoughts always brought me to tears. I’d cry everytime I thought about it, so I decided to just not. I aways told myself I just didnt have time to think about my gender problems anymore, but I knew I was just avoiding it. I still felt oddly uncomfortable everytime someone called me a woman, girl, beautiful, and whatnot, but just ignored it.

To be honest, my feelings from that time still havent changed much. I still feel rather disconnected from the “womanly” role in society, yet I can look myself in the mirror and think “oh wow, I think I look good today”. I know these arent things prohibited or strictly trans associated, but its rather confusing.

I am a firm believer that gender is both a spectrum and a social construct, which, to me, means that I know I’m not a bio boy, but its the identity that comes with the “male role” that I crave.

 Sometimes I wonder if this isn’t just literally that: that I dont mind being a woman, rather just hate the construct around it, but I’m still not sure. Sometimes I also wonder if this isnt just some internalized misogyny I have deep inside me, but I’m too scared to talk to my therapist about it.

Nowadays I dont really cry everytime I think about my gender, I just say I dont really care about gender at all (which people usually immediately take to the sexuality side rather than gender, which isnt wrong but still) and people are free to call me whatever they want, which most take as a joke.

I dont know, sometimes I wonder if this isnt all just a crisis I’m going through. Am I really trans? Will I truly be happier if I transition? Sure, there’s no harm in trying, I’m not actually giving up my whole life because of my gender identity, and even if I figure out this isnt what I wanted, it wasnt a mistake, rather a journey on self discovery that ended early on a dead end. But still, it does feel like I’m trhowing my life out the window and that if I’m even the bit mistaken about this, my life will end.

Another thing I think really influenced me was my introduction into queer media and fiction. Just to be clear, yes I do read bl but I’m NOT a fujo. I read bl and gl not solely because of the queer relationship, sure the rep is extremely important and has a great impact on our society, but rather because of the relationship itself.

I dont care if its mlm, wlw or just mlw. I just feel more drawn to queer fiction because of the dynamics.

 I know this stems from a deeply misogynistic and stereotypical view on gender roles and couples, but I can’t stand the usual tropes in straight romance. The obvious power dynamics, the very unrealistic scenarios and visuals. It feels more like a commander/commanded relationship. While in many queer romance, I feel the power dynamic is much more equal (not all, we all know THOSE gl and bls), specially the ones that dont revolvein literal power play, like office romance, those empire ones and whatever.

So, I think my introduction into these relationship dynamics really shaped how I view relationships as a whole. Again, this makes me confused on whether I really am trans or just dont agree with the societal construct revolving men and women and their relationships.

This is so tiring… I feel like I’m changing topics, but yeah, I dont really know. While I’m not constantly irritated and sad about being who I am, it still doesnt feel right calling myself a woman or girl. I still dream and think of being a boy, but what if I’m just one of those weird fetishizers on tiktok? What if this really is just a phase and its all the damn phone’s fault? This is the first time I’m actually talking about this since I usually just ignored it or said it was no big deal, but I feel like it is. While I dont agree with gender roles in society, I still feel like I have or want to fit in one. I dont know if its because the way it is perceived by others matches how I want to be seen or if its some other reason, but I know I dont fully agree to what I am now. Does that make sense?

 Honestly I’m so confused… if anyone who reads this wants to discuss it I’m more than open to it ^^