My mh is is declining. (TW: SUICIDE AND SH)

Lately, I think since a few days or maybe a week my mental health is getting maybe even worse than ever.

Yesterday I was so depressed I bedrotted all day, which I never did before, even in one of the lowest periods of my life where I once nearly committed. But yesterday I was so depressed all I did was laying in bed, sleeping long, being on my laptop, and I also cut myself again even tho I promised myself I wouldn't. 

I cut myself so much that the plaster patch (which is I think around 4 or 5 cm x 4 or 5 cm) was too small and I had to use another smaller plaster to cover it up.                                                        It was on my hip, but I totally forgot about the fact that I'll never be able to go swimming with my family again since they'll see and my parents will lose their mind.

I know that, since I did it once before and opened up to my mom, who got really REALLY mad and said I was ruining my brother's life, also because of a lot of other problems caused by me that also have impact on my fam. I'm glad she didn't tell my very depressed dad, I can't do that to him.

The cutting barely made me feel better.

Ugh.

I hate this life.

And I hate myself.

And actually I hate everyone too.

Including you.

No, jk, not you.

And also not my bf.

Tho I'm a little bit mad at my bf.

He's been really busy and tired lately, cuz of college.                                                                    He studies to be an engineer, and there are a lotta tests coming I think, and exams too. Idk if he has exams yet, but I'm pretty sure abt the tests. Tho idrk, cuz first of all I don't go to school myself since I dropped out, second he goes to college and not high school, third he lives in a different country, and fourth he didn't say that, it's what a mutual friend said was probably the reason, which I also assumed myself.

He has a lot of pressure, from home and school, abt his grades, since his grades are getting low. 

I hope that's not my fault...

I think I've also been pressuring him, myself.  

I wanna call with him every day, and since he barely responded I got worried and called him at random times. And also before he barely responded but just slower, I also called him at random times. I have very extreme anxious attachment issues, fear of abandonment and overthinking so I lowkey lose my mind when he "ghosts" me like that. He's also been getting a bit colder, not cold, but less warm than before. 

Maybe it's my own fault.

I overlove too much. Give too much attention. Too clingy.

Gosh, I hate myself.

What the fuck is wrong with me?

Why the fuck do I have to keep ruining everything?

Why can't I be enough?

Why am I too much?

Why am I like this?

Why can't I be perfect?

There is no point in asking myself these stupid questions.

I wanna smoke.

But I can't.

I don't own cigarettes.

And my bf and parents will get mad.

Why do I have to live such a meaningless, worthless, depressed fucking life like this...

I wanna kill myself.

I won't,

but I want to.