um idk hi

This seems so silly icl but I just have so much going on in my head and i have very few people, none actually, that i can really talk to. I don't really know where to start or finish and I might jump topics a lot so i apologize in advance if anyone even reads this. lol.

I know something is wrong with me. I know I'm not the most friendliest or pleasant person to be around. I know I'm annoying and disrespectful. I know I'm lazy and unmotivated with no real plans for my future. 17 and my only college acceptance letter is from some random school from a random site in upstate NY. Which I can't even go! I've dreamed of going back up there, eventually back towards the city, living the life I was always just a breath away from. But who has $400 for admission fee? or 16.5k for room & boarding ? or maybe the other 18.5k for tuition ? Hell. Who has the money for a ticket to NY..? not me. my parents? maybe? but I can't even get them to pay $210 for senior fees, something my mom insisted on paying for! 

I just think its utterly ridiculous for us, students, seeking higher education to better our futures, should pay for school!!! something that should be available to ALL who dream to attend, and before you even say anything, i know. i know theres student aid, loans, fasfa, ect. ; but its not fair. it isnt fair that i need to rely on government funds, and ruin my future with insane debts just because im sick of being poor. im sick of relying on people. of always needing and never being able to give. 

regardless, that isnt my real issue. the real issue at hand is me. after seven teen years i still have no passion for anything, no real genuine hobbys, no serious relationships (which okay i get it im 17 but if you could see all the happy couples at my school, the ones that you just know will be HS sweethearts.) which honestly, i complain about being single, lonely, having nobody truly know and love me for me, but im so avoidant. i avoid men i dont want and chase the ones that want nothing to do with me unless im bent over with my mouth open. I am so pathetic. 

Even the boy who "loved" me since we were 6-8 won't even claim me as his first love. He wants nothing to do with me or his family. My greatest love is the biggest loser and it took me a decade and some months to really get over him. which if im being honest? i never will. i dont want him anymore and i sure do hate his guts especially after what he did. but oh gosh i do sure love that boy to death. i will always miss our time together, before everything went to shit. 

Now though, i have an online boyfriend! hes cute, nice to talk to, although not too much now that my phone is smashed but hes sticking around. even from texas. but i dont love him. if we broke up tdy then oh well. He likes me though, not sure why or for how much longer until i hurt him, but its nice i guess. 

I do like someone though. 

quite frankly if i told all the lore behind him, even though ive only known him a year and some months, you would definitely think im a shit person. so i wont. but know he is a funny slightly troubled boy with plans for his future. who cant make up his mind if im a friend, fuck toy to edge, or a stupid cunt that he wants nothing to do with. and these r the guys i like. the ones i chase, and beg, and give myself up for. 

he liked me though. maybe im crazy, maybe this was his goal the whole time, maybe he just wanted to sweet talk me into giving head.  i dont know but before all that, before when we were just friends, it was great. we get along great, our humor matches on a level others find werid.

idk though guys. lol. until next time bc i gotta take a massive shit!