fucked myself up...

being in a commited relationship is stupid. thats why i dont want to date ppl bc like yeah you seem like the universe for now but like. what about in 3 years. what about in 10. or like 2 weeks

what if you seem like the coolest person in the wrold and i date you. there can be two outcomes as mentioned before: happily ever after or a range of mini to irreversable emotional catastrophe and honestly both seems like a load of work. i dont want to marry. i will not get pregnant and i sure as fuck am never raising a kid. i dont like kids. i also dont like being resposible in general, it sucks. ass.

so thats why i try my best to avoid romatic relationships and bc of this i have ended up in situationships too many times before it sucks. this guy seems like the best guy in the world i want to be frriends forever w him! what the fuck do you mean i have to marry him one day. type shit

 but like.

i watched an mv

n now i feel like shit 

so basically mv was about a couple meeting each other in high school and parrallels to their married adulthood right like yeah adulthood seemed like a load of i dont know but the high school scenes?

it seemed like the most beautiful times of their lives.

doesnt help that it was litterally filmed in (the other branch of) MY SCHOOL that i am CURRENTLY GOING TO. i walk under those exact gates like twice every month. i found that it had too many parallels to the life im currently living.

my life is so beautiful now.

well im not gonna talk about the torschlusspanik of it all in this entry cus this is not what its about. maybe im gonna make one for that later but for now im talkin about the fear that i am missing the most perfect window in my life for finding love but how am i supposed to know that it is THE most perfect window to find love in my life???

also. if i start dating, say, now. what do i do when the university entrance exams roll around ABOUT THIS TIME NEXT YEAR. no way in hell am i gonna kiss my way to idk fulbright or some other fancy uni. im gonna have to break up, eventually.

and from what i have observed from many people who broke up before, theres a 70% chance its gonna be SO messy.

what if the mess doesnt get cleaned up in time for me to focus on exams? lol not like it would litterally ruin my fucking life or anything. id not get into a good uni. fuck maybe i wouldnt be able to get into ANY uni. and whos gonna hire a person like that?? lol im good at speaking english which is a skill that HALF OF THE WORLD HAS and like i look pretty so you should totally pay me like idk 15 million vnd a month lol lol I AM GOING TO STARVE TO DEATH. I AM GOING TO STARVE TO DEATH AFTER THE TEN BILLION MY MOTHER AND FATHER INVESTED IN ME FOR THE PAST 20 ISH YEARS BECAUSE I WANTED TO TRY KISSING PEOPLE IN HIGHSCHOOL. AND RUINED MY LIFE. AND MY ONE CHANCE AT BEING A SENTIENT ORGANISM. ITS GONNA END IN FLAMES. BECAUSE I WANT TO KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO HAVE A HIHGSCHOOL BOYFRIEND/ GIRLFRIEND/ DONT FUCKING KNOW. FLAMES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

i should get back to homework.