big big deal (first blog post)

wow!!! hello...

my first blog post... welcome? big deal!

i'm in the midst of finals week! i should care a lot more than i do, but honestly as long as i pass i really can't bring myself to worry about the details of how i got there. even when i'm not sure i'll pass i deal with my coursework with a carelessness that i have not quite earned... that isn't my problem rn though! my priority in life is having fun and enjoying myself above all else. makes times like this rather difficult as sometimes i really do "need" to do the boring, tedious work. unmedicated adhd will be the death of me. i did "lock in" for my exam yesterday morning and i have not slept in almost 48 hours. the sleep demons have yet to come for me tho, which is why i'm even writing this post lololol. 

the weirdness that is going from having no friends and no social life to then going out almost every day... i had no friends way back in high school, and i spent my first two years of college at a community college (where i also had no friends). now that i go to a proper university in a different city, i've forced myself to socialize and make friends. mainly out of fear that i'll never grow or change fundamentally. even though it is so uncomfortable sometimes. most times actually. i feel like a different person (not sure yet if i like who i'm becoming). i keep finding myself saying "sure, why not" whenever i'm invited to anything bc i'm still in the mindset of having things to do being a rare thing in my life. kind of think it will all be pulled away from me in the blink of an eye! unfortunately i still feel so beyond uncomfortable in certain settings (i have not magically become a social, interpersonal-genius), no matter how hard i've been trying to change. still can't do parties or clubs and i truly i have no idea how people find those to be fun... the physical sensation of being in a crowded room with loud noises and weird lights makes me forget how to stand or speak or think or really do anything that isn't running away. don't ask me to dance around other people or i will projectile vomit all over them. kind of dealing with really intense imposter syndrome but i am an imposter of a human or something. don't like thinking about that lol.

somehow i've used 86% of my google storage??? i didn't know that could actually happen. all i do is neglect my emails and write fanfiction.

current song obsession: heresy by nine inch nails

if anyone reads this, thank you. have a nice night (or day, i guess. no idea when you are!).

- lee