Rant Tw for stuff

I can’t sleep and it’s 2 am cuz I fucked up my sleep really bad. But also I feel like everyone hates me

I feel like none of my friends and I have anything in common and that I’m drifting away from everyone and I just wanna not exist because it’s so hard 

Most of my friends just don’t reach out at all. One responds but I feel like since she’s the only one we talk to much. I feel like I’m spamming my other friend (not in the group) who responds. And my one friend straight up ignored me TWICE today like I no longer feel like their friend and I’m scared for when I see them in person because I don’t really feel close enough to joke around and have fun

I always have my bff, except I can’t talk about a lot of stuff with her because that’s not how our friendship works, I only have one friend who I can actually like open up too, and it’s the one who’s not in my group who I feel like I’m spamming, and that’s only cuz I accidentally came out to her at 4am one night. She’s really awesome tho I can’t wait to give her her gift I really hope she likes it :))

Anyways maybe I’m not reaching out enough but I don’t know what to talk about

My friends arnt the issue really… I am… I have nothing to talk about, what am I supposed to say, I wanna talk but I don’t know man I’m just feeling really depressed and sick rn 

I wanna sh but 

I’ve been sh free for like over a month because I’m going home soon and I don’t want the cuts to be visible cuz last time I was almost caught except I didn’t realize how bad the scars where because until recently I never had bad scars and so yeah ugh 

I’m supposed to be the only functioning one in my family and I CANT deal with their pity i think I’d actually kill myself and I don’t wanna let down my dad. And like it hurts even worse because unless there is something wrong with me (adhd) I can’t get therapy. 

My mom’s only willing to get me therapy if there is something wrong, and the only thing that she will let me be diagnosed with is adhd because anything else would hinder things in the future. Except I don’t have adhd I don’t have any mental disorders or stuff I’m just sad and want to talk to someone unbiased about it. And like I would do it now that I’m out on my own but I actually can’t afford it, even with student discounts it’s at minimum 75$ including tax that’s like 100$ I don’t have that kind of money I’m working on getting a job but it’s hard to balance school and I’m not a very presentable person because I HATE dressing fancy I feel so disgusting 

Speaking of which my gender, I’m slowly coming to terms with being a sinner, my family will never know haha, but like months ago i wanted to be a guy and like I wish I was born one but I’m okay with my body, I don’t hate being a girl. I don’t get dysphoria at all, I maybe had once or twice but it was never bad bad. And like so I was thinking I was maybe gender fluid as I don’t mind being a girl just like I don’t mind being a boy and if I could I would switch. But lately I’ve been really thinking about being a women. Like just identify as one and relating and such. But like now I feel like what I felt before was completely invalid. I’ve been using she a lot and thinking of myself as a woman and I think it’s due to all the content I’m consuming and like I don’t know what I’m trying to say

I feel like I was just pretending back then like I was stupid. Like I’m no longer gender fluid because right now I identify as my assigned gender. But I still sometimes wish I was born a guy. And my clothing style and tastes haven’t changed and I still hate being too feminine all the time. I wanna be like illi. Like a girl boy I wanna just switch in between the two. I wish I could look like a boy but I’ll never be able too and I wish I could switch from a girl yo boy at will. Science advance NOW