My reuccuring battle depression

Hey! Its sienna back with another blog and no spell check; lol

The first time I got depressed was in 6th grade when I was isolated and alone and from there Ive never fully recovered. Right now I feel it coming like a bad case of flu I want to dissapear and not deal with all this shit you know? I want to just be by myself and do nothing and be nothing. Thats why Ive always been so inclined to just leaving. Its like when ever anything goes wrong I bolt out without thinking. Theres this anxiety festering inside of me and it feel like I can not do anything about it. Im stuck in this stupid wheel and my heart feels so heavy I might explode. I want to end it, not in a sudical way but I just want to stop for a second, catch my breath. I feel the depression like its part of me its everconsuming its everything all at once. 

I just think about everything all at once and I feel like Im going to throw up. I have so many things to worry about and it all piles up. I want to leave start over. Im happy, but it dosent feel right. I want this acheing to stop. I want for someone to pull my out of this mess and clear it up. I want to make a mistake and not worry about anything. I want to be free and myself and i want to be happy. I want to love. So much. 

I want to be held.

Hugs and kisses! Sienna!