Actually Making Sense in a Blog [24]

hello my friends,
sorry about the last blog. my mind tends to get away from me a lot and when that happens I spew nonsense. how is your day going? I hope your alright and if you aren't talk to someone 💙
depressing topics ahead so take care of yourself.

  sometimes I want to give up on the whole, "I'm anonymous on the internet" thing. sometimes I want to cave in and make commentary videos on things that urk me. but I'm still a minor and I don't like thinking of all the shit that could happen to me.. but that's my problem I don't take risk when it comes to myself. I tell myself that I do take risk, but I don't. I double down on my fear, worries, anxieties, and everyone is just like "yeah ig ur right for that, but uhm, THAT'S OKAY!! ima do my thing u do yours." like no guys pls push me to do things it feels weird im the only one trying to do that 4 others ruh roh. get me uncomfortable! push me to be someone more than i am!! ik there are times where I tell sm1 my fears n they tell me how unreasonable to have those fears are (in a respectful way) BUT ALSO IT DOESN'T FEEL LIKE THAT HAPPENS MUCH. then again i don't tell ppl a lot of shit going on with me because 1, most of the time they have their own shit and can't give the time to "deal" with my shit which is understandable, and 2, I HAVE MENTAL BLOCKS!!! there are a lot more reasons, but the main was is that I still feel like a burden for having issues. most of my issues are either completely unchangeable or its my mental state. both are hard to deal with when it comes to the other party listening so I don't say anything at all. on the rare chance something IS happening to me IRL I still don't reach out 💀

  that has almost always been a thing I struggle with. i just wish i had more ppl IRL to rely on bc maybe it would be easier to talk about things bc well, THEY CAN ACTUALLY ASSIST ME IN SOMEWAY. sometimes I HATE talking about issues online bc I can't do anything to help and it eats at me every fucking day. going back to what I said in my last blog, money is the fix all to that, but I can't get money rn. soon I will probably have commissions in the next coming year, so I'll be able to save for this big trip I got planned, and I'll be able to financially support my loved ones. that's really my goal.. to be able to help someone very close to me money wise.. BUT YA BOY IS BROKE ASF RN SO!!! I seriously hope that in the next 3 years I can move out and hopefully move on with my life.

  changing topics, lately I've been doomsrolling again. it's hard when your mind doesn't work so you fill the time with nothing and feel nothing after. I'm really trying to change things tho! I'm watching movies on my own again, I'm trying to play more games, and I'm (hopefully) going to try to get actual friends soon! I really am trying to enjoy my own company and I think I'm making good progress. it just REALLY sucks when you happy one moment and then WHOOPS now your depressed again, how'd that happen? it's so awful that I rely on others for MY OWN HAPPINESS AND CONTENTMENT. so I'm trying my fucking hardest to change that. I don't want to ask the people I know everyday.. "hey can we call or do something together bc my brain won't shut up and now it's your issue too." like, NO THANK YOU! I value other people's times unlike what my brain wants or "needs". it's just really hard too when in ur mind the tone changed in the conversation and now you think they don't want to talk to u OR don't care about what ur talking about OR you bore them because you have nothing of worth to talk about. my mind sucks.. stop being so self-centered!!!!

  my art is on a downward spiral.. I don't have any ideas once again. which, is normal, I DON'T GET IDEAS EVER!! I've been trying to remake Matty my fursona, but anything I try I hate. "things take time, trial and error" AND YEAH I KNOW, BUT TRIAL AND ERROR ONLY WORKS WHEN YOUR ACTUALLY TRYING!!! it's hard to try when your the least creative person you know. everyday I wonder if making art was a curse God put on me. I bet God was like, "yes, let's make this guy good at the fundamentals, but give him NO CREATIVITY OR DRIVE!" THANKS, GOD. as an atheist, YOU SUCK. I seriously think art isn't for me.. i think I've chosen the wrong path in life. I always wanted to be a therapist, but because of my own mental issues/disorders, I can't. so, I'm stuck. I don't know what else I want to do in life. I'm going to try my shots at commissions and maybe it'll awaken something in me again, but I don't know.. I just feel like a failure. I have no one counting on me because I have nothing. I know I'm a good artist fundamentally, but when it actually comes to the passion I'm supposed to have nothing is there. no one is going to want my art. not even I want it.. all the time I wish I could go back to how I used to be with art. when I wanted to draw, I drew, whatever that was, fanart, or my own OCs. now I can't tho and I don't know why. I want to draw fanart so bad, but when I do I get bored out of my mind, or upset it's not coming out in a way I want it to. 

  I've been thinking about everyone I've lost in my life. there are so many people I've talked to, called my friend, best friend, family, and now I don't anymore. irl and online. it caused me to not care if someone leaves and to think everyone will. I don't know how it feels to have a really long relationship (platonic or romantic) with someone that doesn't. I think the longest I knew someone was for 4 years before we stopped talking? (OFC this isn't including ppl like my parents or my close siblings) so I guess my empathy when it comes towards other people being scared of others leaving them isn't all there. people move in and out of my life all the time so it's not that big of a deal anymore. I'm used to being alone and I push people away. it's a defense mechanism. thats why I'm so prone to self sabotage. thats why sometimes I'm scared to be someone's bsf, to be someone's lover.. I know I'm not an interesting person to be around most of the time, it's been proven time, n' time again, so that's why I don't care when someone leaves, because I understand why, and somehow I'm okay with that. I'd rather someone leave me to go give better people their attention! I mean that too, I'm not being sarcastic. I'd rather someone be happier than force themselves to stick around. I know for a fact that if i had things going on in my IRL rather than just being in this STUPID FUCKING CHAIR ALL DAY I would be person like everyone else, but I wont ever get that. I'm tired of pretending that things will magically turn around one day. I think I'm just destined to be a lil science experiment for the universe to see what happens when you force a mentally ill human in front of a computer screen and see how long it takes before they km$. IK i'm being dramatic, don't mind me, I don't want to km$ anymore thankfully. at least i think so idk 😭 it's a lil hard to change something you've thought about exssessively your whole life, but i've been trying on n off for years now.

  i hate that there are no answers for me. it's always just, "wait for things to get better", and we stop talking about it. and sometimes i even ANNOY them by talking about my issues. like just say my issues aren't important to you PLEASE. for the love of everything holy just be honest with me for one FUCKING SECOND. we'll get back to that in a second, but why can't there be present solutions? every time i TRY to do shit it's always "we'll see" or "I'll let you know". that has always been the answer no matter WHO i talk to. like I think there is something seriously wrong with me bc how does this happen? every issue I've ever had in my whole life the answer is always to wait. why do i try to give answers or solutions to others if i can't even give answers to myself.. also back to what I was saying before, I feel no one is honest to me. (that's exaggerating) like, they can go ON AND ON about something they want to talk about, but as soon as the conversation flips to me it's dry as hell or they flip it back to themselves. this is everyone i talk to.. it's me. i'm the issue. but NO ONE TELLS ME HOW TO FIX HOW I TALK TO THEM BETTER OR ANYTHING. i feel like the only person this doesn't apply to is my bsf, but it happens with them too. like, im more than likely am autistic, so thats always the fucking issue. I bet THATS why i'm horrible to talk to. i dont know how to talk about myself and when i do it's an issue. UGH. so i try to just engage in what everyone else likes bc CLEARLY im not worth my own time to actually understand myself and what I want to talk about. somedays i just want someone to GET UPSET WITH ME but for some reason it feels everyone is scared to??? or cant tell me when i hurt them??? or can't say anything to me???? like WHY. i'm always, ALWAYS, the one to bring things up, why do I have to do that all the time, JUST  TELL ME WHAT'S WRONG. i know my mom is one to point things out, and talk to me, but ever since I came out that has changed. i fucking hate myself and my life. i fear everyone thinks i'll take things the wrong way, that I'll hurt myself if they tell me what's on their mind, but that isn't fucking true. maybe it was back in 2021, but I've matured since. AND NO ONE KNOWS ME FROM THAT TIME ANYWAYS!!!!!! so I don't know if thats how ppl actually feel either. i cant become a better person if i don't know how other's perceived me. i want to be told my flaws and all the fucked up shit i do. i just want the truth instead of being treated like a child that you need to be careful around.. maybe i'm expecting too much from others. they got A LOT going on while I have nothing and everything small that happens to me is a massive deal bc of it. im not a massive deal nor should i be in someone's life. ssiiggghghhhh uuuuuggghhhhhhhh.......

  i just wish i was someone else. i wish i was an important person, someone to be proud of, someone you'd look up to, someone who was interesting, someone with passions outside of others, someone who was creative, someone who was worth the time that it takes to have me in your life.. bc as i am now im not worth the trouble. like, heh, i know that "I should be using these issues to improve myself!☺️" BUT HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO DO THAT, HUH??? when I can't go outside. when I cant talk to people. when i am FORCED to do NOTHING all day. im not WORTH anything. i know i'm "not my productivity", but I also have nothing outside my productivity. take away my art and tell me who i am. you cant. i wish i could go find myself. go out into the real world and find out who I AM, but i can't. i dont understand why anyone in my life is here other than im a good listener and can give surface level advice. thats why anyone's here. its bc im a kind person. it just feels like im dragging everyone down whenever i talk about anything. 

edit 2:59pm - everyone always needs a change in there life and that ALWAYS means leaving me behind.

im just going to keep crying about this all day.. dont mind me.
goodbye everyone, take care, drink something, eat something, and have a good day/night.