yawn

i'll keep reading and i'll keep writing and i'll keep doing the small things that bring me a piece of joy while it rots my brain. but nothing is making it go away. im gone and i dont see myself coming back for some time still. how do i care about my environment so much when im not here? am i not here because i care too much where it's not worth it? i dunno. the visually disturbed have become more so too. like ive been in between worlds and am creeping closer to the other side. you know in scary movies when the main was by a window or something and there's a ghost standing there and they dont really see, but did enough to stop and walk back to check. Nothing is there but there was something definitely there. well thats how its felt lately. Like its not just a shadow, but something whole. not a lot, but more than it's been. to be fair, ive even seen my own arm move and thought it was a cat, so my ability to "inadvertently" curate my own insanity is pretty impressive. i wish i could just see how far it goes but i know it'll never be very. I wish i could explode, but i always just fizzle out. Eventually i'll never light again. or just light ever.