Sooo.. Weird feelings.. towards my BFF...

Current mood: kinda dying inside lol :/
Current music: Paramore – “All I Wanted” (ON REPEAT bc ofc)
Time: idk… too late… i should be sleeping but whatever

ok soooo… exactly what the title says.
this is literally REAL, like actually happening rn, which makes it 10x more embarrassing but w/e lol.

hi. im sarah (17, uruguayan and brazilian, chronically confused).
and theres this boy. diego (17, chilean, accidentally ruining my life rn roflmao). 
(the song playing on the miniplayer is one of his fav songs..., i tried to put All I wanted but it wouldnt let me ughh,,,,)

we BOTH speak spanish but do we talk in spanish.....? rarely,,
we message eachother in english bc idk, we prefer it that way and IDK HOW he literally sounds native. (I was really jealous when I heard him talking to the first time ngl >:B he has no spanish accent,,, unlike me)

guell.. irl or on vc i talk portuguese.. sometimess spanish, or broken english (when he doesnt understand a specific word in portuguese)

And yes, I literally forced him to learn Portuguese because I was SO EMBARRASSED to speak to him in English (because he sounds American and it scares me for no reason)I would only communicate in PT or spanish, and eventually he learned Portuguese because it’s really, REALLY similar to Spanish, in my opinion,,,..,

anywayyyy we DID meet online.. (ew).
like stalking-random-people-on-SOCIAL-MEDIA-online (double ew..) [we are from different cities but we try to hang out every other weekend.. im planning to move there once i graduate, like.. in a couple of months or so since i have relatives living ther!]
i hate saying it bc i always wanted something cute n real like in movies??
not me awkwardly sending “hi lol” to a stranger at 3am.
whateverrr............

i always thought he wasss.. kinda cute but like… PLATONIC cute.

not the romantic cute.. type.. i think.

(i lied. apparently i lied to myself. help.)

i swear ive never met someone who is so… idk… ME???
same style, same jokes, same sarcasm, same dreams, “i hate everyone but you” vibe, even SIMILAR TRAUMAS AND FAVORITE FOODS!!? 
like the universe cut one person in half and threw us into different families for fun.

and he is literally the FIRST guy ever that i can be like COMPLETELY open with.
like… he knows things… real things… dark things… the kind of things i said i’d take to my grave.
but with him idk… i feel safe. real, real safe. 
LIKE ACTUALLY SAFE???!!!!!!!!!!!
its disgusting i hate it lol.

i cant believe im even typing this ABOUT DIEGO, FUCKING DIEGOAGHHHGH cuz literally ONE week ago i wouldve been like “ew no never hes just my friend”.
but something flipped in my brain??
like suddenly hes cute???
and sweet???
and now hes in my HEAD and i wanna scream into a pillow forever.

the WORST PART (besides all of it):
he shows NO sign of.. reciprocating this weird feeling back.
ZERO.
nada.
ni una molécula......                                                 i think

++ hear me out when he likes someone he makes it clear!!,,.. (He would always ask me for advice TT… It’s been a while though… like, A WHILE since he’s fallen in love...)

and like… i know friendships between boys n girls exist blah blah but cmonnnn usually SOMEONE (THEGUY) catches feelings a tiny bit???
at least in my experinece!! (tragic honestly).

i just want him to look at me with that look, u know THAT look, even once.
but no.
he’s just… normal. friendly. chill.
and im here writing a whole emo novel like its 2007 (which it IS, spiritually).

anyway.
im writing this bc my brain is melting and i need to get it out somewhere before i explode.
idk if it helped.
probably not.
but at least its here… floating in the void of the internet where he'll never see it lol.

end of rant.
brb crying. xoxo.

I dont wnana ruin this friendship.. anyone going thru the same thing? I hope thjis is just a phase