rambling

I don't want to be seen as a bad guy or monster or something, just a guy you could hang out and be comfortable with, even if I just stay quiet because I'm daydreaming or I don't know what to say. I just don't say anything because I don't know exactly what will happen if I do. Do I say anything? I don't think anyone would be interested or care of the weird niche thing that I like or know. I haven't been on a good sleep schedule lately. I feel/think that if I mention myself in something that people think that I have a bit of an ego so I just don't try and mention my experiences that's related to something.

Grim as I'll say it, surprised and glad that I hadn't killed myself. Writing this and trying to untangle my thoughts and worries and stuff into sentences that somewhat make sense, I could see this as being my last online notes before kicking the bucket in some universe or dimension or timeline somewhere out there. I always felt like there was more for me and that "there are greener pastures" out there. Something to hold on to in my head I guess.

I want to try and help people but I don't know how on doing so. I convinced myself that being a food server in a hospital would be me helping staff members getting some energy for more appointments and visitors for maybe just something to fill their bellies (patients have their own diets that is handled buy others in my department). But I know I could do more than just that. I did pick up trash around my small neighborhood back in high school for a little while, maybe I could do that again.

I brought a MIDI controller; Akai MPK Mini MK3. It's pretty cool. I don't know if I made some sort of hypocrital statement saying that but yeah.

I don't know. It's midnight I should sleep. Start another work day.

I don't know